Dating a Man Going Through a Divorce: Pros, Cons & Things To Consider
by John Santana
If you are dating a man who is going through a divorce, the relationship may feel much different than other past relationships you’ve been in. If the divorce is not amicable, it can also be worse. Sometimes when men are having problems finalizing their divorce, they might bring those past issues into the new relationship.
Bringing in past issues can be hard. The situation might also be made harder if the man has children since you are now meeting new people that are important to him. You might also have to interact with the ex-wife, which can be hard.
There are many things you can and should do to make the relationship easier for everyone. Make sure to give him space when needed and try to see everything from his perspective.
Here are the things to consider and keep in mind when dating a man who is going through a divorce.
How To Handle Dating a Man Who’s Divorcing
Don’t Talk Badly About His Ex-Wife
Even if you dislike the ex or think she’s a bad person, refrain from talking bad about her. Even if your boyfriend says ill things about her sometimes, do not contribute to the conversation. You can also politely ask that you do not feel comfortable when he talks badly about his ex and you would prefer not to have those conversations.
Remember that there was a time when he loved her. Therefore, it’s not appropriate to talk badly about her. She might also be the mother of his children if they share kids. Talking bad about the mother can also make him want to defend her or the children, which is never good for you.
Don’t Make Rules About When He Can See His Kids
When parents get divorced, children go through one of the most traumatic experiences of their lives. They will need their father around for emotional and mental support. Don’t dictate when he can see his kids or tell him that he is seeing his kids too much. This can easily make him and the children resentful of you.
It can push him away. Even worse, it affects innocent lives. The children are innocent in a divorce, and they should never be forced not to see their dad. Remember that they need to see their dad often, especially when he does not have full custody. Make sure he is able to make choices about his kids on his own. Do not dictate any decisions about the kids.
Try Not To Push The Future
Although he is your boyfriend, and you have a right to know which direction the relationship is headed in, try not to be too pushy about the future. It’s easy to only think about yourself, but remember that he is going through a divorce, and pushing him to move on quickly might backfire in the end.
Pushing him to get married again or move in together too soon will make him feel powerless and that he has to make decisions too soon. Try to be as patient and supportive as possible. Divorces take an emotional toll on someone. You want to make sure they are emotionally supported when going through it all.
Keep in mind they are also looking out for their kids. They might not want to move in together too soon since it could be too hard for the kids to have someone new around too soon.
Understand His Feelings
If you have never been divorced, it can be hard to understand his feelings. Even if you do not understand everything, you can just make sure his feelings are validated. If you see he is pulling away from you, try to talk to him about what can be done differently so that the two of you can move forward together.
Remember that he is going through big life changes and he needs support. Try to put yourself in his shoes so that you can get a better idea of why he might be feeling or talking a certain way.
If you feel like he is contradicting or trying to start a fight, you can tell him to take some space to think about things on his own. You will be there when he needs you.
Try Not To Be Jealous
You and his ex-wife are not in competition. You do not need to be threatened by her just because they are still in contact. When someone is going through a divorce, being in contact is often necessary, especially when there are kids.
You need to make sure you are comfortable with him having a relationship with his ex and try not to pull him away from her. If you are not comfortable with this type of agreement, it might be time to move on and try to find someone who is not going through a divorce.
Remember that he is with you, not her. This means he could not make the past relationship work and he is moving on. Don’t be jealous, and don’t make the jealousy make you talk badly about her as this can make him mad.
Remember, It’s Not About You
Even though this can be an emotional experience for you as well, keep in mind he is the one going through a divorce. Don’t make the experience about you. Keep in mind that he might sometimes pull away or be shy about talking about his feelings. This is normal and is not caused by something you did.
If you feel like he is not listening to you or not giving you enough attention, you can tell him so gently and maturely. You do not need to start a fight or play games. Just be honest, so you two can work on things together.
Try to work on everything together so that you can be happy together and not stuck in the past. Remember not to offer advice unless he asks for it. It might also be better for him to see a therapist so that he is talking about his feelings to a third party rather than putting them all on you.
While you can sure the burdens with him if he asks and you’re comfortable doing so, this process is about him, not you. If he opens up to you and shares his feelings, make sure he feels supported. Try to remain neutral and allow him to share with you.
He needs to make sure he can go through this process without worrying about what you are thinking or him not supporting you. He needs to be able to put more energy towards the divorce and all the legal proceedings and emotional changes that come with it.
Make Sure He’s Getting Help
You don’t need to talk about his divorce constantly with him. This can be overwhelming for you and him. Ensure he is getting professional help if you feel like he needs it. Therapists are safe places to talk and allow someone to get neutral opinions on their life and feelings.
If he feels embarrassed about getting help, assure him that many men need therapy and that it’s a normal part of life. You can also mention that his seeing a therapist might help you and him more down the road since he is about to talk to someone.
Don’t Judge Him
If a man feels like he is being judged, he will not open up to you. This can cause the relationship to go downhill fast. As partners, you need to make sure you are open and honest with one another.
Try not to fix him or constantly talk about the divorce. Only talk when he wants to and allow him to process his feelings and his divorce.
Keeps Things Light and Have Fun
You don’t always need to think about his divorce. Sometimes it might be better to just go out and have fun and leave the past behind. Don’t bring up things that make him sad. Try to have fun date nights or do a hobby with one another.
You can also encourage him to find hobbies on his own and ensure he spends time with friends. Always let him know you are there for him, but try to have more fun over serious talks.
Be Patient
When a man is going through a divorce, there are many feelings and problems he is having. As his girlfriend, you need to be patient as he processes his feelings.
Make sure he knows you are there for him and listen to him when he talks. If he is having a bad day, know it’s not you. It’s him starting a new life and moving on from the things he suffered in his past.
Should I End The Relationship?
Dating someone who is going through a divorce has its own unique challenges compared to dating someone who has been single or never married. Bear in mind that he is ending one relationship and might not feel entirely ready to enter a new one so soon.
If you notice they are becoming distant from you, it might not be an issue with the two of you, but with the divorce. Often, when men become distant, it’s because they are struggling internally.
When a man becomes distant, it can cause many issues for you and the relationship. If you notice he is withdrawing from conversations and not talking to you, it can make you feel bad and that you are not worth fighting for you.
If you feel these things, you need to let him know right away. If you feel like he is not ready to enter a new relationship, it’s better to end things now rather than later. Just be honest with one another so that you know if you are going to continue or move on.
Whether you decide to end the relationship or not, make sure the other person knows how much they mean to you and that you are sorry you could not work it out. Moving on when there is too much hurt is a part of life and should not be seen as weak.
If you decide to stay together, you need to make sure you are prioritizing one another. Even though he will have to spend time with the divorce lawyer and with the kids, he still needs to know that you are in his life and that you want respect.
Make sure you are always speaking your feelings and your truth to one another to avoid unnecessary hurt and drama.
Things To Consider Before Starting a Relationship With a Married Man
Dating a man who is getting divorced or already divorced is not an easy task. There are many things you need to know and consider before entering a relationship like this.
He Might Not Get Serious
Men who have been divorced have been through a lot of hurts. They might be ready to enter into a serious relationship for a long time, if ever. You need to ask his feelings on this before you enter into a relationship.
If he is honest, he will be able to tell you what he wants now and in the future. As long as you are on the same page, you can feel whatever is best for you. You do not need to seek advice from others.
If you are ready to make a serious commitment and he is not, you might need to end the relationship early and find someone who is on the same page as you.
He Can Be Emotionally Unavailable
If it has not been long since his divorce, he might be very emotionally unavailable. He can have baggage from his past relationship, which can make it hard for him to truly be with you and give you the things you need to feel valued and loved.
You need to decide if you are willing to wait for him to fix his past. If it’s not something you can deal with, you need to start moving on and finding someone who is on the same path in life as you.
He Might Have Trust Issues
It’s common for men who have been divorced to have trust issues. This might be from something that happened to him during the divorce. If you can help him through these trust issues, you might be able to move forward in a loving and nice relationship.
If you cannot teach him to trust you, you might not be able to have a future in the relationship. Keep in mind this is not your fault. Some people have trust issues from their past that they simply cannot move on from. Although this is hard, you need to know it’s not your problem and you need to move on.
He Could Have Feelings For His Ex
Sometimes people get divorced because they have too many differences, not because they are not in love. Remember, he could still love her, which can put a major strain on your relationship, especially if he still talks to her and sees her.
You need to make sure there are boundaries in place so these feelings are not growing. If he loves her and he doesn’t think he can move on, you need to move on and find another relationship.
If they are not fully divorced yet and he still loves her, there is always a chance he might get back together with her, which can be painful for you.
Tips For Dating a Man Who Has Been Divorced
You might want to consider waiting until his divorce is finalized before you enter the relationship. If he is still married, there could be too many emotions and issues that make it hard for him to date.
If the divorce is not final, it’s also too soon to meet his kids and live with him. This can put a strain on the relationship. Divorces put a lot of strain on people and he might not be able to give you the attention and love you deserve.
You also need to make sure he is ready to date before starting a relationship. He might need some more time finding himself and spending more time with his kids before he devotes himself to another person.
Have an honest conversation about where he is emotionally so that you know what to expect from him. If your lives and ideas do not match up, you might need to leave him and find someone who is more available.
You also need to make sure he is being honest about his past. If he is blaming the entire divorce on the ex-wife, there might be something he is hiding from you. Try to have honest conversations about the past and see if what he is saying matches his actions. You also need to give yourself time to see if you trust him.
You also need to be honest about your past, whether you have been divorced or not. No matter where you are currently emotionally, make sure you are going slow. You need time to get to know one another and make sure you are a match.
There are many reasons relationships do not work out and one of them is that they move too fast. You might end up moving in together only to realize you do not know them and it will not work.
Try to set boundaries for one another and the new relationship. One of these boundaries should be about meeting the kids. You need to make sure he is only introducing you to his kids if you are in a serious and committed relationship.
It can be traumatizing for children to meet other women. Before you meet his kids, have an honest talk with one another. Ensure you know the boundaries with the new kids. He also needs to ask the kids whether they are okay with meeting someone new or not. It might also be a good idea for him to talk to his ex-wife to see if she is okay with it.
Final Thoughts
Dating a man who is going through a divorce is no walk in the park. There are challenges and things to overcome. If you truly love one another though, you can fight these battles together. Make sure you are always respecting him, the ex-wife, and the kids.
Ensure you are a good partner by supporting him and giving him space when needed. Never try to take his kids away from him. Also, understand that he is vulnerable and might need to seek professional help before he can be a good partner to you.
If you have any doubts and are not sure if he is the one for you, you can always take some space or move on from the relationship.
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