The Ultimate Men’s Dating Guide
Why Confidence Wins, How to Improve Instantly, and What to Say to Attract Women
Men’s dating can be challenging, especially in bars and clubs across the world, where tons of guys struggle with bad advice. It’s common for men to feel uncomfortable or awkward while on a date — unsure of what to do and say to seem charming but not creepy.
The most important piece of advice to strike that balance is simple: be confident. By boosting your confidence, you can take charge of the conversation and of the date overall. Here, we’re going to talk about how actively working to increase your confidence can increase your dating success.
Table of Contents
Why Confidence Wins
Confidence consistently wins throughout all facets of life, whether it’s job interviews or friendship. There are a number of reasons for this, depending on the situation you’re in, but when approaching dating, women do tend to prefer confident men. Thankfully, the reason for this is simple: confidence implies trustworthiness.
Think of it this way: if you took your car to a mechanic and he flip-flopped on whether it was your clutch or your starter that needed replacing, you probably wouldn’t trust his judgment. You want to know that the person you trust with your valuable, important possession is someone who knows what they’re doing.
In a sense, this is similar to women’s mindset on a date. They want to know that the person they’re speaking with is someone they can trust. The stakes are much higher than being overcharged by a mechanic, but the concept is the same. By going on a date, a woman is trusting that you’ll ensure she’s safe and happy. Projecting confidence as a men’s dating technique, therefore, helps her to feel at ease and enjoy herself.
Confidence and Trust
Confidence also helps a woman to trust in a potential future might be like with you. At the end of the day, every single person in the world wants to be loved and looked after. If you’re confident, then that implies you’ve got your life together and you’re prepared to love and look after your partner when they need you.
A lot of low-quality men’s dating advice circles around common myths that boil down to confidence. For instance, you’ve surely heard someone say that women like to go for super handsome, rich guys with fancy jobs. By saying that, the person delivering the advice has missed the point.
That hypothetical rich guy is likely very confident, even if they’ve totally lucked into being rich and gorgeous: things have gone well for them so far, so why wouldn’t that continue? That confidence is what people pick up on, and it’s why successful people often have a crowd of followers around them. By emulating that confidence, you can shift your approach to dating.
Self-Assurance
Dating Confidence Self-Assessment
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Your Dating Confidence Score
Another thing that dating tips for men often forget is the power of self-assurance. It is very tempting to measure your self-worth by what others think of you. If you think that way and go on a bad date, your self-esteem will suffer.
If you work on yourself and achieve self-assurance, a bad date has a different outcome for you. A self-assured person knows they have worth, skills, and good qualities. Therefore, a bad date doesn’t reflect bad character but rather a useful men’s dating learning experience. The person you date didn’t see your good qualities, so it wouldn’t have been a good second or third date, let alone a relationship.
The Mindset Shift for Men’s Dating Success
Men’s dating can often feel like an uncomfortable job interview at best or an all-out attack at worst. It’s important to remember that being rejected or a date otherwise going poorly isn’t a reflection of you. Instead, it’s a rejection of the bad future you could have had with that person.
Fixed vs. Growth Mindset
Logan Ury, the director of relationship science at Hinge, summed up the mindset of dating apps very well in an interview with Behavioral Scientist. She pointed out that “dating apps perpetuate superficiality.” Many of us buy into this superficiality, leading to a fixed mindset where we feel the need to swipe left or right rapidly, even when physically on the date that the app led to.
Men’s dating success can be improved by moving away from the superficial mindset and toward things that are proven to matter in a relationship. Ury lists “kindness, loyalty, emotional stability, […] and, perhaps most importantly, what side of you they bring out.” as core things to bear in mind. These are all features of a partner that will allow you to live your best life, both on the date and in a relationship afterward.
Living your best life this way is key to maintaining a growth mindset overall. Doing everything you can to live a healthier, happier life leads to (unsurprisingly) a healthier, happier you. When you’re happy, healthy, and confident, you can assertively ask about these important qualities, knowing that you’re at your best and you’re looking for a complementary partner.
Self-Validation
Self-validation is key to approaching men’s dating with a growth mindset. By allowing yourself to understand your worth and good qualities, every date will have a good outcome. Either you go on an amazing date and find someone who complements you, or you learn a little about someone new, and you both grow as people.
How to Improve Confidence & Attraction
Improving your confidence will almost certainly lead to more attraction coming your way, but it’s much easier said than done. To paraphrase Dr. Robert Glover, many of us are particularly insecure about dating compared to other parts of our lives. So, let’s start small: it’s okay to be insecure about dating. It can be scary, and deliberately being honest and communicative about yourself and your feelings is a surefire way to forge a shared understanding. At the end of the day, your date is likely nervous, too — acknowledging the craziness of what you’re doing can make the whole thing less overfacing.
Power poses
The name ‘power pose’ sounds silly, but it’s a simple way to change your aura. Try standing tall and nonchalant instead of waiting for your date hunched over your phone in a corner. Engage with the world around you — read a display, observe architecture, or simply people-watch. This alertness projects curiosity and interest in the world.
Open posture
Standing with something between you and your date, holding your phone in front of you, or nervously wringing your hands are all examples of closed posture. By bringing your shoulders back and your chin up and removing obstacles between you, it can seem like you’re inviting your date to come and interact with you.
Eye contact
Eye contact is all about striking a balance. Eyes wide open and unblinking is creepy, and not meeting their gaze is shifty. A good way to get into the habit of making eye contact is to ask a question you genuinely want to know the answer to. Then, as you finish the question, look your date in the eye, smile, and nod encouragingly. This will make them feel seen.
Using style and grooming to look instantly more attractive may seem complex, but that’s largely because industry professionals make it that way. For most men’s dating experiences, it’s quite simple: neaten yourself up and see if there’s anything lacking.
That sounds like a strange joke, but it’s entirely true. Consider the difference between a “hippie” and a “hipster” — it largely comes down to hygiene and neatness. Take a look at yourself and consider parts of you that you might want to neaten up. Start with your hair and beard. You could try aiming for a shorter haircut that creates clean lines around your head. For facial hair, you can go clean-shaven or shape your beard to make yourself look more put together.
If you struggle with poor self-image, it can help to consider these tasks as “maintenance” for your body, as you might with a house or a car. We all accept that it’s important to mop the floors regularly and wash the dishes. The same can be said for keeping your beard trimmed, nails short, and body washed.
Style is a little more complex than grooming since there are more options. We might suggest starting with the colors that work for you and then finding clothes in those colors that you can wear to accentuate your complexion. There are lots of online tools that can take a picture of you and analyze it to find the best choices for your coloring. With a little patience, the colors they generate can be a great springboard to a useful wardrobe.
Fitness and health have long been associated with attraction because we tend to consider muscular, sculpted men to be handsome. While this is true, it’s not the be-all and end-all.
If you start to work out for the first time in a while, you’re likely to notice a boost in energy and confidence. You’ll be out of breath less, and you’ll have more stamina and alertness. Keep the working out consistent, and you’ll see a positive cycle of more and more energy with time.
This energy and alertness are key to men’s dating practices, as it allows you to be more confident in your abilities and your looks. On top of this, it has been shown time and time again that regular exercise can boost mood. If you find that your mental health can make dating hard for you, exercising can be a great way to reduce the strain that it places on you.
What to Say & How to Keep a Conversation Going
With the culture of isolation and instant gratification that we’ve all picked up through using dating apps and tech more generally, the art of conversation has become trickier. In fact, many of us might even feel that the best course of action would be to look up a list of unusual conversation starters to make sure the conversation never runs dry.
The truth is that there’s no list of perfect conversation starters for men’s dating. Instead, it helps to keep one main instruction in mind: ask a question and then listen to the answer.
Okay, we know that sounds stupid, but hold on while we explain! The best way to make sure that someone comes out of their shell on a date is to be genuinely interested in them. If you’re interested in your date’s hobbies, for instance, ask her what hobby she’s mostly engaging with at the moment.
A common pitfall in men’s dating habits fall into here is to use her reply as a springboard to say something about yourself and how you relate to the thing they’re talking about. That’s not good conversationalism: you’re just shifting the topic to yourself rather than discussing what they bought up.
Instead, actively listen to her response and look for what excites her about the topic. If she mentions that she’s a reader and has just finished a couple of books, ask her about the one she seems most interested in. Try to aim for the 80/20 men’s dating rule here — a conversation where you’re talking about her hobbies should be eighty percent her speaking and twenty percent you.
The desired outcome here is that your date will feel seen and understood. As Sadia Khan said, “We’re designed to be valuable. We’re designed to serve others.” By deliberately taking an interest in who your date is as a person, you’re “being valuable” by ensuring they can be themselves without judgment.
Making someone laugh is a great way to keep a conversation going or even just to break the ice. Rather than remembering lots of jokes, taking a more relaxed, laid-back approach to the evening and men’s dating techniques can be helpful. Find the humor in the little things.
A good way to ease into making someone laugh in this way is to opt for some slightly self-deprecating humor. Of course, leaning in too hard and complaining about yourself isn’t good, but highlighting a slight confusion or miscommunication is perfect. For instance, you might misread something on a menu, leading to you thinking, for a moment, that the spot you’re in offered something very unusual.
Yes, this is cheesy humor, but using it calmly and confidently can be a great way to break the ice. You can calm down and relax into the evening ahead of you by making a few light-hearted jokes about things around you. Avoid the kind of humor that you would use with your male friends — this is a common pitfall in men’s dating, and it’s wise to remember.
Flirting & Building Sexual Attraction
Flirting can be a scary word. Social interactions generally can be complex and multi-layered, so it’s natural to be concerned that you might be misinterpreting something. However, it’s important to remember that sensible men’s dating approach to these messy social interactions is to be kind and confident.
Flirting Without Being Creepy
Being creepy is something that every guy worries about when they’re on a date. At the end of the day, of course you think this person is attractive: that’s typically why you’re on a date in the first place.
The challenge is knowing which compliments come across well or poorly. Try to construct your compliments around this simple rule: something they have control over and deliberately choose.
This is a great rule for men’s dating advice because it’s simple enough to remember and complex enough to work. Some good physical examples of the rule could be to complement her clothes, makeup, or hair. It’s also important to compliment her personality choices clearly and deliberately. If she’s talking at length about a hobby, compliment how knowledgeable she is and how articulate she’s being. People don’t often receive compliments on their behavior in that way, and it can be very nice to hear.
On the other side of the coin, avoid commenting at all on things they have no control over. Some great examples include their body, voice, or unusual physical characteristics. At best, you’ll likely be saying a compliment that they’ve heard many times before. At worst, it can be an insecurity you’ve accidentally picked up on. This is a common pitfall in the world of men’s dating — always consider how your words may make her feel.
Playfulness and Teasing
Playfulness and teasing are great ways to spark a spark between you and someone else. Teasing and joking can feel a little like a really fun competition, especially if the teasing is to suggest that you might beat them at a certain game or you’re a little better than them at something. This shared competition can sometimes gauge men’s dating intentions. It can draw the two of you together and make you both want to come up with another witty comment.
The trick here is to ensure that the subject you’re teasing about is something that’s not very important. The silliness makes the teasing fun rather than cruel. For instance, it can be great fun to tease your date and say that you could beat them at ping pong, but it would be rude to imply you could be better than they are at their job or their passions.
Light Physical Touches and Body Language Cues
One of the most addictive parts of men’s dating experience is feeling the electricity between you as you touch her hand or hold a door open and guide her through. If you’re both having fun with that, it can be a really fun thing to do. However, it’s important to slowly build a light physical touch and look out for body language cues to let you know whether you should keep going.
Starting off a date with a lot of physical contact is rare, perhaps aside from a hug. A great men’s dating approach to go from having no physical contact whatsoever and building things up slowly is to take it step by step. Start by nurturing a great conversation where you feel you’re connecting. Then, lightly touch her arm or hand to punctuate a point, and take your hand away again. At that point, checking in and reading her body language is wise. If she’s still maintaining open body language and is totally facing you, then perhaps do that a couple more times and see how she responds.
You can maintain these light physical touches as the evening proceeds and the date goes well. Take her lead on things, and stop if she seems uncomfortable. After touching her arm, you might move on to putting your hand on her back or her waist. At every step, be sure she’s comfortable and confident. When considering men’s dating techniques, it’s important to remember to be assertive but not aggressive; there’s no greater example of this than in these touches.
As these small touches continue, you’ll likely start standing closer together, and the physical contact between the two of you may continue to increase. This slow build-up and generating the desire for more is the way to form that electric sexual attraction between the two of you.
Online Dating Success (Profile, Messages & Strategy)
Around 30% of adults in the US have used a dating site or app, so if you’ve used one, too, you’re definitely not alone. Online dating can seem unusual at best and bizarre at worst. However, by keeping your profile simple and being upfront, men’s dating can see more success online.
Optimizing Your Profile
Men’s dating profile is the first thing that people see when they’re looking at men on a dating site — the core facts, some quick photos, and the kind of date you might like to go on. So, what’s the best way to make sure that people who see your profile actually reach out?
Well, men’s dating success starts off by keeping things light-hearted and straightforward. At the end of the day, dating is supposed to be fun, so lean into that! If a woman looks at your profile and can parse that you’re a positive, confident guy, you’re likely to get some more messages. Take this approach to everything from your bio to the list of your favorite movies — make a silly self-deprecating comment, and mention a guilty pleasure movie. By being real and authentic, men’s dating profiles become much more engaging.
Finding Great Photos
Almost everyone in the world thinks that they don’t photograph well, but that’s just not true. You certainly do photograph well; you just might need to change the lighting and the wardrobe.
On most sites, you’re encouraged to pick out several pictures and show different facets of your personality. There’s nothing wrong with that, but we’d suggest viewing photos with the “real and authentic” men’s dating mantra from above. For example, you could track down a photo of you genuinely smiling and laughing to show that you’re fun-loving. On top of that, track down a photo of you doing your favorite hobbies to show that you’re interesting and skilled.
While we all have our insecurities, we also all have that one thing about ourselves that we quite like — men’s dating approach should highlight that. This might be your eyes, your hair, or any number of other things. If you’re unconfident, find a photo of you that accentuates that feature. For example, if you like your vibrantly colored eyes, try to find a picture where you’re lit from the front, and the color is bright. Find something about yourself that you like, and then lean into it.
How To Start a Chat
Starting a chat online can seem impossible, especially when you’re faced with the little blinking cursor. However, men’s dating online is not as tough as it might seem. It’s a good idea to opt for a simple, fun, and open-ended question. Ideally, a question that has an answer you might use to learn something about your date.
As odd as it sounds, a good idea could be, “Hey, I’m heading to the grocery store. Anything you want me to pick up for you?” This simple men’s dating line breaks the ice by using familiarity as though you already know one another. On top of that, it subtly implies you’ll see them soon to give them whatever item you purchase for them.
The true benefit of this odd message is its oddity. Women typically receive lots of messages about their appearance or suggest a date that they might like. By opting out of these conventions, you’re unapologetically standing apart from the crowd. Men’s dating success is often found through confidence and light-heartedness.
Moving from Messages to Real Life
The switch from your phone to in-person can seem daunting — suddenly, there’s a real person in front of you! This switch to real-life men’s dating techniques doesn’t need to be daunting, and your actual words don’t necessarily need to change much. Remember to always opt for the core tenets of kindness and confidence, and don’t take things too seriously.
Use the messages to your advantage by remembering a couple of key things from her life, and use that to start a conversation. If you’ve been talking in the day, and you’re now going for after-work drinks, for instance, you could ask if a particular meeting they’d mentioned had gone okay. By showing interest in and knowledge of her life, this men’s dating technique helps you show that you’re attentive and interested.
What to Do on a First Date for Maximum Attraction
First dates are, for most of us, equal parts exciting and nerve-wracking. It can be hard to maintain confidence and conversation when you’re nervous, but by keeping calm and confident, you can make every first date feel great.
Dos and Don’ts
Men’s dating guides often contain complex and contradictory lists of things that you should or shouldn’t do on the first date. Here, we’re going to keep things simple and give you a few pieces of dating tips for men that can be really helpful.
Do:
- Make her laugh: Making a few jokes can dissolve any tension and let you focus on getting to know one another.
- Keep things fun: Dating is supposed to be fun. If the thing you’re doing becomes a chore, then it’s not a great first date.
- Engage with her interests: Show that you’re listening and understanding her by asking questions about her interests or planning a date around them.
Don’t:
- Get too handsy: Men’s dating approach should always take her lead with physical touching and build up to it slowly. Start with light touches on the hands and arms, and see how she responds.
- Talk too much: It’s a bad idea to interrupt your date or shift the focus of the conversation to you. Remember the 80/20 rule: allow them to speak 80% of the time and you 20% of the time. This will switch depending on the topic of conversation.
- Interrogate: While active listening and questioning are important, don’t bombard your date with a million questions. Offer comments and encouragement rather than targeted questions.
Finding the Right Spot
Finding the right location for your date can be tough. It’s common to go to dinner, of course, but that’s how you’ve both been on dates before. Men’s dating decisions have long been a bit boring, so select something new to do together. In fact, scientific research has shown that couples who do new things together strengthen their bond.
By taking the time to find something that you’re both interested in doing and want to try, you’ve shown dedication to wanting this to be a fun time. On top of that, you’ll have a shared experience that can bond you going forward.
How Interested Is She?
Always monitor your date’s engagement and interest. This might sound odd, but if a date isn’t having a good time, men’s dating satisfaction will go down. A good way to monitor this is to consider how often they are quiet, look away from your interaction, or go on their phone.
These are all signs that they’re not very engaged or present and, therefore, not interested. The best men’s dating response to that is up to you, but we always suggest being open and honest. A simple “Hey, are you not enjoying the food?” is typically enough for you to gauge what’s happening. From there, you can walk away or switch things up and reenergize the date.
Ending a Date
Men’s dating experiences at the end of a date can always feel awkward. Should you kiss her or not? How do you bring up going on another date? Or, even worse, never wanting to see her again?
The core theme of this article has been men’s dating confidence, and it’s coming back here, too. Whatever you’re thinking and feeling, say it with kindness and confidence. If you’d like another date, keep it straightforward and tell her you’ve had a great time — you’d love to see her again soon. If she feels the same, follow that up by calling or messaging her: use your newfound confidence to act deliberately and make that second date happen.
That same confidence and kindness comes back when it comes to that end-of-night kiss. Ask yourself whether you want to kiss her, and if you do, tell her that. You don’t have to make it super poetic, but you can’t go wrong telling her that she looks beautiful and that you’d like to kiss her. Of course, consent is key, so see how she responds before you actually try to kiss her.
Men’s dating techniques often revolve around trying to be an imaginary suave charmer who’s all too good at sweeping women off their feet. In truth, most men aren’t that person. By being direct and open about what you want, you’re being confident and authentically yourself — that’s something people always respond well to.
How to Turn Casual Dating into a Relationship (If You Want To)
If you’re looking to move from casual men’s dating into a committed relationship, you might not know where to start. However, as with most things here, it’s not as complex as you might think. Start off by looking for signs that the person you’re dating is looking for something more serious. The best example is if she’s talking idly about your future together. Even if it’s something as simple as her mentioning that she’d love to go mini-golfing with you one day, that’s a sign that she’s considering those future dates. Men’s dating lives can revolve around these signs, so pay attention to them.
Connection and Trust
Being an authentic and honest version of yourself is the best way to make sure that there’s trust between you and your partner. At the end of the day, trust is just another way of saying “likely to do something.” Therefore, if you’re regularly connecting with your partner and showing her that you’ll consistently do what you say, she’ll understand that you are likely to continue. Put simply, that’s trust!
Regularly communicating your wants and desires regarding your dates and your relationship will bring you closer to one another. If you’re both sure of what you want and how you want to achieve it, then your connection is straightforward and easy to maintain. From that point onward, you can see how things develop. If men are upfront with men’s dating goals, the trust between you will continue.
Once you trust one another, it’s time to bring up exclusivity, provided that’s something you want. If you can be entirely honest and confident with her and communicate the exclusive nature of your men’s dating wants, she will respond to that with honesty of her own. There is a chance that she might not be ready for that step, but if that’s the case, you can communicate how long you’re willing to wait. Connection and trust always come down to communication — talking about what you want and how you can provide your partner with what they want.
The thing to avoid, of course, is falling into the “nice guy” trap. This is the name given to guys who lean toward people-pleasing tendencies, even if it’s not something that they want. In the case above, where she’s not ready for exclusivity as you are, the “nice guy” trap would be to tell her that the situation’s totally fine: you can wait as long as she needs. Men’s dating is often a “nice guy minefield”: it can be easy to just go along with someone else’s wants.
Of course, if you are happy to wait as long as she needs, you can feel free to do so. The “nice guy” trap is when your desires and actions don’t align. Avoid it by being clear with what you want and authentically presenting yourself to her. Intentional men’s dating is the way to get from where you are now to where you want to be.
Increasing your confidence is easier said than done, but make no mistake: doing that will improve your dating life to no end. You can start your journey toward becoming confident in hundreds of tiny ways, from deliberate kindness to making someone feel seen. An authentic, confident, and kind man will always see success in the dating world. However, the most important advice for men’s dating is simple: be confident.
References:
Cortes, K., Britton, E., Holmes, J. G., & Scholer, A. A. (2020). Our adventures make me feel secure: Novel activities boost relationship satisfaction through felt security. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 89, 103992. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2020.103992
