LGBTQ Dating: Everything You Need to Know About Love, Identity & Connection
LGBTQ dating is rather more nuanced than most other forms of dating. Not only is the dating pool reduced for most people, but finding love in a world focused on quick matches can be exceptionally tricky. Here, we’re going to delve into what makes queer relationships unique, and how you can find success when LGBTQ dating.
Table of Contents
Why LGBTQ Dating is Unique & Why It Matters
It’s a beautiful thing to live and love in such a unique, diverse world. It can be mega frustrating, however, when people use phrases like “I don’t see sexuality, just a person.” The truth is that everyone in the world is different, and that’s okay! LGBTQ dating is unique because every LGBTQ person is unique. That’s something to be mega proud of!
The Evolution of LGBTQ Dating, and Why It Requires Inclusive Platforms
Talking about the winding, iterative evolution of LGBTQ dating can be complex. This is because the very first queer relationships took place when queerness was illegal. This meant that the dating scene was typically hushed, and gave rise to phrases like “he wears sensible shoes” to mean that a certain man was gay.
Despite all this progress, there are still those that hold outdated, offensive beliefs when it comes to LGBTQ people. This is why it’s so important for LGBTQ dating to have inclusive spaces and platforms. Platforms on which people can be a little more confident that they’re speaking with a genuinely queer person, rather than someone that might express homophobia on first meeting them.
These platforms increase safety for LGBTQ people, leading to more happiness, too. Dating shouldn’t be an experience exclusively packed with questions about safety — it should be fun! A safe, inclusive platform makes every second of the experience better for all.
The Importance of Safe Spaces for Gay Dating, Lesbian Dating, and Transgender Dating
Given the danger out there for different members of the LGBT community, it may seem sensible to be a little wary about venturing out into the world. This wariness only seems more reasonable when you consider the nature of LGBT dating apps and sites. Stripping away the romance for a moment, you’re arranging to meet a stranger, at night, often in a place you’ve never been to. This leads to some obvious concerns among queer folk.
That’s why safe spaces are essential for gay dating, lesbian dating, and trans dating. There are safe places in the world, and using these oases to find someone with whom you forge a connection is wise and beautiful. LGBTQ dating often involves things that are pretty outdated in our hyper-modern world. For example, speed dating, or a singles night at a gay bar. The inherent safety of these spaces makes the experience of meeting someone there super enjoyable.
Challenges and Opportunities You Can Expect in LGBTQ Dating
We spotlighted this at the top: LGBTQ dating is unique. There tough challenges out there, although there’s totally some beautiful opportunities. Here’s a rough idea of some things you may encounter while LGBTQ dating.
Challenges:
- Unconscious biases: As Joe Kort from Psychology Today points out, even if someone believes that they hold no prejudices, they may still hold an unconscious bias, or use outdated language without thinking. It’s important to challenge this behaviour when it’s safe to do so.
- Wild differences in opinion: Within the LGBTQ community, a broad range of people have differing beliefs. A really annoying example is queer-identifying TERFs. These people have got controversial and offensive beliefs that are rare, but extremely strongly held.
Opportunities:
- Someone that truly understands you: Being queer doesn’t just define your romantic relationships, it informs the social context of your whole life. LGBTQ dating allows you to find someone that understands what it means to be queer on that social level.
- Enriching your social circle: Even if you go on a date and it doesn’t work out, you’re still likely to meet queer people that you want to remain friends with. This can enrich your life greatly.
- Exploring a foundational part of yourself: Being queer is a core part of someone’s identity. So, breaking down what that queerness means to you can help you understand yourself better.
The Importance of Understanding LGBTQ Dating
Nuances and complexities in any dating interaction can be tricky. However, that understanding is vitally important — by learning, you can understand how best to achieve the dating success you want.
Why LGBTQ Dating is Different from Traditional Dating
LGBTQ dating and straight dating totally have a couple of differences. This gives people a learning curve when they first get out there as a queer person. Let’s chat about some of those differences and how they might come up when you date.
The Importance of Identity, Self-Expression, and Inclusivity in Dating
Identity and expression have long been at the core of dating, both straight and gay. For instance, campness might be stereotypically associated with gay men, but that stereotype isn’t a universal truth. Each individual queer person has their own sexual and gender identity, and it’s important to acknolwedge that in the gay dating space.
To remain as inclusive as possible while dating, asking people how they identify is kind and wise. By giving someone the space to share how they express themselves, you can show that you’re entering the date with kindness and acceptance. The diversity of any queer space should be celebrated, and learning about that diversity can allow you to respect someone while also having fun with them.
How LGBTQ Relationships Differ from Mainstream Heterosexual Dating Culture
LGBTQ relationships are a little different from heterosexual ones. There are a few reasons for this, but a commonly-cited one is that the societal framework for a relationship is often highly gendered. Straight relationships often fall into that “traditional gender roles” pattern, even for seemingly small things like the division of domestic labor.
Queer relationships are free from this societal framework, which means that you and a partner can discuss what you want from one another. This can be a wonderfully liberating feeling, as you can sweep away mismatched expectations, and put all your cards on the table. This honesty and transparency often leads to greater fulfillment in queer relationships.
Gay relationships can have their negative bits, too. A lesbian couple, for instance, has an additional set of struggles in their day-to-day life that a straight couple would never have to consider. Navigating homophobia can be intensely stressful and tiring, which can put a strain on a relationship. Most commonly, social support networks are a key part of maintaining wellbeing in a queer relationship, as highlighted by Chana Etengoff from Psychology Today.
How LGBTQ Dating Apps Provide a More Affirming and Safer Space
Dating apps designed for the queer space are a great way to experience affirmation of one’s identity. Those that are getting into gay, lesbian, or otherwise queer dating for the first time can find this to be a liberating thing to do. By exploring that element of one’s personality, it’s possible to unlock a further depth in yourself, and learn some key things about your character.
LGBTQ dating apps provide a safer space for the queer community, too. It’s easy to conceptualize a trans person getting yelled at in the street, but it’s harder to imagine the equivalent happening over a dating app. This can be quite common on mainstream apps, with people matching based on photos, and learning about the other’s gender identity. By switching to an app or site focussed on queer dating, you’re much less likely to run into someone that has deeply problematic beliefs.
Why Safety is a Major Concern in LGBTQ Dating
Safety is a major concern for us all, in several ways. In the case of LGBTQ dating, however, danger can be higher than in straight dating. Staying away from harassment, discrimination, or worse is critically important.
The Risks of Harassment, Discrimination, and Being Outed While Dating
When you first consider queer dating, it may be a surprise to consider that people are at heightened risk of being discriminated against. After all, wouldn’t a gay man be going on a date with another gay man?
Yes, that would be the case. However, what occurs during the date and afterward can have rippling consequences on overall safety. Let’s say that one of the men isn’t out to others at his workplace. If the other man posts a photo of the two of them on social media, that could get back to his colleagues, unintentionally outing him.
Trans people are, perhaps, at slightly higher risk while dating. A trans person may unknowingly go on a date with a transphobic person, for instance. This is likely rare, but it’s entirely possible for someone to simply not notice that the person they’re talking to is trans. In this hypothetical, that trans person is in danger if their gender identity comes up in conversation. The transphobe may feel misled or lied to, and may lash out.
Talking about your gender or sexual identity on a date shouldn’t be inherently political. Unfortunately, LGBTQ+ issues are often picked up as a hot button political topic, which could lead to an unfortunate conversation about politics while on a date. On a straight date, talking about politics is a faux pas. On a queer date, talking about politics can get dangerous. According to Pew Research Center, most LGBTQ folks are concerned about the current US political climate. If you end up on a date with someone in favor of that climate, you’re likely unsafe.
Best LGBTQ Dating Apps That Prioritize User Safety
Tracking down the best dating apps and sites can be tough, here are some great options to prioritize safety while dating as a queer person. Find the Best LGBTQ Dating Sites — Read Our Expert Reviews.
- HER:
- For lesbian and queer women.
- A prominent app with a fairly large user base.
- A dedicated trust and safety team that ensures a respectful and inclusive environment.
- Features an event page to view upcoming queer events in your area.
- Lex:
- For the queer community as a whole.
- Queer-owned and operated, giving you the assurance that it’s made by people who understand what it is to be LGBTQ+.
- No photos allowed for more authentic connections and community.
- A zero tolerance policy for hate.
- Archer:
- For queer men.
- A social-first model, meaning it’s more of a social network that also works as a dating app.
- Profile photo verification means that catfishes and scammers are removed.
- User tags allow you to get specific about what you’re looking for.
Connect with Like-Minded LGBTQ Singles on [Trusted LGBTQ Dating Site] — Sign Up Now!
How to Stay Safe While Dating as a Transgender, Non-Binary, or Queer Individual
Staying safe as a queer individual can be tough, but there are some basic things to bear in mind that can help protect you. Let’s run through some important tips and advice.
- Small red flags can indicate larger bigotry — If someone holds an offensive belief, they’ll rarely just come out and say it without any prompting. Typically, they’ve learned that doing this incites conflict, or leads to them getting stood up on a date. Keep an ear out for red flags, like a talking point about safety in public restrooms. As GLAAD shares, that mindset is dangerous for everyone, cis and trans, so they’ve picked up their “concern” from a transphobic source.
- Send your live location to a trusted friend — Free apps including WhatsApp allow you to share a live feed of your location with a friend or family member. Doing this can give you peace of mind, especially since we all carry our phones all the time. Pair this with a specific code word you would use when sending an update about how it’s going. This verifies that it’s you speaking, and not the person you’re on a date with.
- Meet in a very public location—Meeting for your date in a public location is a great way to increase your safety. With many people around, anyone with bad intentions is much less likely to try anything.
- Trust your gut — If you don’t feel safe, then leave. This might seem extreme, but it’s wise to trust your gut in a situation that could turn sour. It’s safest to move to leave while still in a public location with many people, rather than when you’re alone with your prospective partner.
Strategies for Successful LGBTQ Dating
It’s possible to have the relationship that you daydream about. It just requires focusing on what you want, and learning how best to get it.
How to Choose the Right LGBTQ Dating App or Platform
Selecting the best dating app isn’t quite as simple when dating as a queer person. Different apps exist for different identities, so consider which options you’d most like to engage with.
Comparison of the Best LGBTQ Dating Sites for Different Identities
- For Lesbian, Bisexual, and Queer Femmes: HER
- Free to first sign up.
- An impressively large 10 million users worldwide.
- Received the Apple App Store Editors’ Choice Award for three years on the trot.
- Community-focussed, with a page for queer events that are upcoming near you, and “communities” of those with similar interests.
- Some features are paywalled, including chatting with someone that has swiped right on you, having a long conversation, or even just chatting with someone near you with whom you haven’t matched.
- For Gay, Bi, Trans, and Queer Men: Scruff
- Free membership.
- A total of 15 million users worldwide.
- Commonly called the safest dating app for gay, bi, trans, and queer men — security is a priority on the app.
- Allows you to assign several tags to describe yourself, and search other men through their tags.
- 24/7 support is available.
- For Non-Binary, Gender-Fluid, and Transgender People: Taimi
- Membership is free.
- 8 million users worldwide, an impressive number.
- Originally started for gay men, but has expanded to include the whole community.
- The app functions as a social media as well as a dating app — you can create posts, stories, and playlists.
- Allows you to look for users in a specific location other than where you live. This feature allows frequent travellers to make connections in new places.
Understanding Queer vs. Mainstream Dating Platforms
Different dating platforms all have their own features designed to make them stand out from the crowd. This extends to LGBTQ dating sites, too, with different sites offering features to different groups of people.
The primary difference between LGBT+ apps and more mainstream apps (aside from the target audience) is that queer-focussed apps are often built more for community. This can be especially seen in HER, an app for queer women, which does allow the standard swiping that can be found in many dating apps, but also features communities and information about upcoming queer events near you. A focus on community can allow more genuine connections to form, since your interactions may start with a chat about a shared interest rather than looking at photos of one another.
Also, queer apps tend to have a greater focus on safety and privacy than other apps. It’s common knowledge that queer people can be targeted. Therefore, apps can include features like profile picture verification to increase safety and accountability.
Finally, queer apps tend to cater to more specific needs than mainstream apps do. While apps like Bumble and Tinder do allow you to select different sexualities and genders, people on the apps might not quite understand the social side of a queer relationship. Apps like Grindr (exclusively for gay men) allow people to form connections without worrying that there will be confusion or anger down the track.
Avoiding Scams and Fake Profiles on LGBTQ Dating Apps
Avoiding scams is always wise, but doing so on LGBTQ dating apps can be a little wiser. It’s not unheard of for scammers to seek out people who aren’t out to family members, and use their gay dating profile as blackmail. Here are some great ways you can watch out for scams.
- Look for inconsistencies: The best way to catch someone out in a lie is to look for an inconsistency in something they’ve said. For instance, if you’re speaking with someone who claims to have grown up in Oklahoma, and then later says that they lived near a beach as a kid, that’s an inconsistency to ask about.
- AI photos: In the past, it was fairly common for people to ask for a custom photo to prove they were speaking to a real person. For instance, you might ask someone for a photo of them holding a fork. However, with the advent of AI, this has become less effective since an image generator can create custom images. If you suspect a photo to be AI-generated, look for small details like the number of fingers or teeth — AI often makes mistakes when creating repeating patterns.
- A lack of basic knowledge: Scammers can be from another country, but claim to be from the same country as you. A good way to catch them out on this is to ask a fairly standard question about your country, albeit one you might only know if you’ve lived there. For instance, you could ask what TV shows they liked to watch as a kid.
How to Overcome Stereotypes & Misconceptions
When you first get stuck into the world of LGBTQ dating, it can be frustrating to find stereotypes and misconceptions at every corner.
A Couple of Common LGBTQ Dating Myths
There are some mega annoying myths and rumors out there that are alarmingly common in the world of queer dating. Here, let’s address them head-on.
- The promiscuous bisexual: This is probably one of the most harmful myths out there. It’s the one that leads to the most miscommunications and mismatched expectations. The myth is “since bisexual people are attracted to more people, they must be promiscuous or polyamorous.” Naturally, this simply isn’t true. All bi and pan people are distinct individuals. While some may be a little more promiscuous than others, this is a choice for each person, and shouldn’t be applied to everyone.
- Gay relationships don’t last: It’s unclear where this myth comes from, but the myth that gay relationships are more fleeting is fairly common. This isn’t true — even if a gay man has several short relationships, he’s equally likely as anyone else to end up in a long-term relationship for several decades.
- 100% of gay men are feminine: Gender expression is a broad spectrum, and the myth that gay men are always feminine was largely perpetuated by gay men being used as an offensive punchline in sitcoms. All gay men are unique, just as all people in the world are. While some may be more effeminate, others may be more masculine — there are no rules.
How to Handle Fetishization in Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Dating
Fetishization is an unfortunate reality of LGBTQ dating, and is most commonly seen in “chasers”. Chasers are people who have perhaps been in straight relationships for their whole life, and are now looking to break out of that and find a queer person to be with. This doesn’t sound so bad, but it becomes bad when the chaser has a preconceived notion about what, for instance, a lesbian may be like.
The chaser may go to a gay bar and seek out a lesbian to take home, ignoring that the individual they find has wants and needs of their own. This can lead to very one-sided relationships and, in worst-case scenarios, abusive relationships. The most common target of this chaser behaviour is trans women, an already at-risk group. This fetishization, therefore, is dangerous.
The best way to handle fetishization is to nip it in the bud as soon as you see it. Often, a chaser will give themselves away by describing or suggesting something they believe you will like. When pushed, they may even say, “well, don’t all of you like that?”
When you encounter this rude and minimizing behaviour, immediately shut it down. Point out that you’re a person in your own right and are only willing to talk to them if they can understand. If they keep driving at their preconceived notions and the desires that go alongside them, consider simply walking away.
Managing Expectations in Bisexual and Non-Binary Dating
Because gender and sexuality are such complex and multi-layered topics, it’s easy to fall into mismatched expectations as a bisexual or enby person. Around 4% of US adults identify as bisexual, according the Pew Research Center, which leaves a lot of other people who may take the time to draw their own conclusions and expectations around queer folks.
The reality is simple: every person in the world has their own desires and needs. If you look at a group reductively, you’re not engaging with the LGBTQ dating world in good faith. Instead, you’re assigning desires you’ve invented to people you meet. So, how can an individual manage those desires and expectations?
Well, managing expectations is all about clear and deliberate communication. So, keep it simple: ask them upfront questions. Upon hearing their response, you can tell them how you feel. So, bring up expectations for the future with your partner, and see how they respond. With both of you working with a little patience and kindness, you’ll be able to break down any preconceived notions they may have, and forge ahead together.
How to Navigate Relationship Expectations & Long-Term LGBTQ Relationships
Each person’s relationship expectations are different, especially when you look further and further into the future. When LGBTQ dating, just as in straight dating, it’s important to sit down in the early stages of your relationship and discuss where things are headed. Only then will you both know how the other feels.
Setting Clear Communication & Boundaries in LGBTQ Relationships
Clear communication is vitally important in all relationships, whether in LGBTQ dating or otherwise. Boundaries are also important, and are part of a robust communication system between two partners. Early on in your relationship, sit and have a conversation with your partner. It may be a little awkward, but it’s better for LGBTQ dating to be a little awkward than end in heartbreak.
Sitting and having a notepad with you can be helpful, especially if your memory’s a little poor. Then, to make a serious conversation a little more relaxed, perhaps pour a glass of wine each. Then, with both calmness and respect for one another, explain what you’re looking for in a relationship, and what you would really hate. At this point, you can discuss current things, like whether you’d like to be in an open relationship, and long-term things, like whether you’d like to have kids. Having this chat early in your LGBTQ dating journey with your partner allows you to set a precedent for clear, deliberate communication. You could even have one night a week where you recreate this conversation — pour a glass of wine, and discuss how things are for the both of you.
How to Manage Long-Term Commitment vs. Casual Dating
If you’ve been on the LGBTQ dating scene for a while in a more casual sense, you may want to settle down into a more long-term commitment. That can be a really beautiful thing, albeit one that’s a little daunting to some.
As always in relationships, the most important thing to do is communicate. Express to your partner that you’d like a long-term relationship and what that looks like for you. You don’t have to stop doing the things you love from your casual dating life; you can just start doing them with your partner instead.
You could also “restart” LGBTQ dating, and do so by looking for a long-term partner from the outset. Doing this can let you track down a long-term partner looking to break away from casual dating. This might lead to a bit more success than with someone you’ve previously been casually dating.
Understanding Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open LGBTQ Relationships
In our modern and diverse world, there’s a growing number of people that feel monogamy isn’t for them. Whether you agree or not, it’s something you’ll be interacting with while LGBTQ dating.
Understanding these different relationships may seem difficult, but it doesn’t have to be. The core truth is that each open or poly relationship differs from every other one. Only by speaking to a participant can you understand what it means to them. Before you speak to someone in a polycule, for instance, consider what you want out of LGBTQ dating. Are you looking for an individual that you can have a monogamous relationship with, or are you looking to have a romantic partner with whom you’re open? Neither of these options is right or wrong — as long as everyone involved is happy, then everything is okay.
Taking LGBTQ Dating to the Next Level
When you’ve been dating for a little while, you may feel it’s time to take things to the next level. This can be getting into a long-term relationship, or even a smaller step like introducing your new partner to friends and family.
What to Expect When Introducing Your Partner to Friends & Family
When introducing your new partner to the important people in your life, you might see a whole range of reactions. The one you’re looking for, of course, is a positive one. You’d hope that your loved ones might say something like “I’m happy you’ve found someone that brings you joy.” Of course, that might not be the case — let’s talk about introducing your partner to people.
How to Handle Bringing a Partner Home
Bringing a partner home can be a really daunting thing, especially as a queer person. The Pew Research Center found that 39% of LGBTQ Americans have been rejected by a friend or family member — that’s certainly not the outcome you’re aiming for.
If you’re frightened that there may be a bad reaction to your new partner, whether because of their sex or otherwise, then it’s worth keeping things small. For instance, you might ask if you could have dinner with your parents, keeping things to just the four of you. LGBTQ dating can be scary, but by keeping things small and quiet, it’s easier to maintain calmness.
Before you get to the “fateful dinner”, it may be worth taking a few moments to let your LGBTQ dating partner know about anything that would anger or upset your parents. This can be small things like mentioning a sports team that’s had a recent loss, or bigger things, like public displays of affection while in the house. By easing in slowly, you can overcome any preconceived notions. You already know that your partner is a nice person, but it’s only by calmly introducing them to your parents that they will learn that.
Dealing with Family Resistance to Same-Sex or Non-Traditional Relationships
Unfortunately, it’s common for families, particularly ones where tradition or religion are core beliefs, not to be entirely supportive of non-traditional relationships. This can be quite upsetting, but it’s not all bad news. In truth, family members often want what’s best for you, and they hold an incorrect belief that’s making them think that a queer relationship is bad for you.
This can be an upsetting conversation, but consider calmly sitting down with your relatives and asking them why they feel the way they do. Remind them that you both want the same thing: for you to be happy and safe. After a little gentle probing, you may be able to get to the root of their false beliefs, and help them understand that they’ve been misled.
The key is calm communication — if you allow things to get heated, you’re more likely to end up in a frustrating shouting match where everyone is upset. Do your very best to keep things chilled out, and forge ahead.
Finding Support Through LGBTQ-Friendly Relationship Resources
To hunt down handy resources, do a web search for phrases like “LGBT helpline” or “LGBT mental health”. Look for resources near you, as they might give you specialized help.
Some really great resources that are often recommended are The Trevor Project and Switchboard. These two charities are great causes that help members of the LGBTQ community in many ways, from LGBTQ dating help and guidance to sexual health information and connecting people to life-saving healthcare. Look for resources near you to get the best help possible.
What Are the Biggest Mistakes in LGBTQ Dating?
When you’re first exploring the world of LGBTQ dating, there can be some key ways in which you make mistakes. These may be as simple as a bad outfit, or as bad as an abusive relationship.
Common Missteps LGBTQ Singles Make While Dating
There are lots of missteps that people make while dating, here are some common ones made in LGBTQ dating, and how you can avoid them.
- Unconscious prejudices: Whether we know it or not, we’ve all got a few unconscious beliefs that pop culture has drilled into us. Do your best to leave those behind when you enter the LGBTQ dating scene, and approach everyone individually.
- Overfamiliarity: Since the LGBTQ dating scene can be quite small and tight-knit, especially in a smaller town or city, it can be tempting to think you’re friends with everyone you meet immediately. While people will often be kind, they’re still strangers — don’t go straight to acting as though you’re best friends.
- Getting too deep too quickly: That first stage of a relationship can feel intoxicating, and this can be especially the case if it’s your first queer relationship. You’re getting in touch with a new side of yourself, so it can be tempting to hand yourself over to it quickly. Avoid doing this, and take a moment every now and then to be sure you’re as safe as possible. It’s not unheard of for predatory individuals to target those first getting into the LGBTQ dating scene.
How to Avoid Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics
Unhealthy relationship dynamics are just as common throughout LGBTQ dating as they are in straight dating. Unfortunately, people that behave in that way are common. Keeping yourself away from unhealthy relationship dynamics can be easier than you might expect, though.
A great rule of thumb is to stop and take stock of a relationship that you’re in. Are you giving more to the relationship than the other person is? Have you been gently lulled into committing yourself to someone you don’t know all that well? In a healthy relationship, people are typically happy to split tasks and emotional labor fifty-fifty. They’re often also happy to share information about themselves freely. If your partner is keeping things from you, or expecting more from you than they’re willing to give, then it may be worth getting out. An unhealthy relationship is typically easiest to get out of in the early stages.
When to Recognize Red Flags and Toxic Behavior in LGBTQ Relationships
Unfortunately, toxic behaviour can be common. People behave in this way for many reasons, and it can be best to protect yourself by watching your interactions with someone and looking for red flags. Here are some common red flags from LGBTQ dating.
- Withholding information: In any relationship, communication is key. Basically: if you ask your partner a question, they should be willing to answer! Secondly, they shouldn’t be keeping secrets from you besides things like birthday presents. If your partner isn’t willing to share important information with you, then that’s a red flag.
- Not allowing you near their phone: In a healthy relationship that doesn’t involve any secrets being kept, there’s no real reason that your partner wouldn’t let you go on their phone. Of course, privacy remains important in a relationship, and going through someone’s phone is, itself, a red flag, but if you want to quickly check the weather or change the song that’s playing, going on their phone shouldn’t be a big deal.
- Aggressive overreactions: This is commonly considered a more serious red flag in relationships where one person is physically stronger. While this is more common in straight relationships, it’s certainly possible in LGBTQ dating too. An aggressive reaction to something fairly small can be used to frighten a smaller partner into submission.
- Belittling you: Relationships most commonly involve complementing and loving the person you’re with, not tearing them down. Belittling someone can be as small as passive-aggressive comments about your clothes or the way you do things. In LGBTQ dating, it can also be used if one partner is in their first queer relationship. A phrase like “There aren’t many gay men in this town, you’d never get with any of the others.” could be a way of asserting dominance through perceived knowledge inequality.
What’s Next? Strengthening Your LGBTQ Relationship
Once you’ve found that special someone, you may not know the next steps from LGBTQ dating to a long-term relationship. The best way through is to sit and talk to your partner — once you both know what the other wants, you can make a plan to get there together.
How to Maintain a Fulfilling LGBTQ Relationship Long-Term
The tricks and tips to maintaining a fulfilling queer relationship are entirely the same as those used in a straight relationship. Regardless of sexuality or gender identity, the universal constants of communication and respect are vital. Here are some ways to keep your relationship healthy.
- Don’t let things fester: Clear communication is important in any relationship, and LGBTQ dating is no different. If something is happening that you’re not happy about, talk as soon as possible. If you allow that thing to keep happening, you’re unintentionally misleading your partner, making the potential fallout much worse later on.
- Do new things together: Keep a relationship fresh and engaging by experiencing new things together. These don’t have to be ground-breaking, it can be fairly pedestrian things that bond you. For instance, you could go for a date night to a park and feed the ducks — it’s a simple experience, but it’s one that you might be doing together for the first time. Regularly doing this has been shown to make relationships happier and more fulfilling.
- Voice your wants and unwants clearly: As much as communication is important in LGBTQ dating, there’s no use communicating in a language your partner doesn’t speak. Use straightforward language when expressing what you want, and what you really don’t want. This goes for serious things like moving house, as well as simple things like picking where to go for dinner. If you really dislike a certain thing, or have no opinion about it either way, voice that clearly to your partner.
Blending Cultural, Gender, and Identity Dynamics in Relationships
The idea of blending cultural, gender, and identity in an LGBTQ dating relationship may seem too complex to properly understand. However, the reality is that you’re already doing it. By existing in the world as you do, you are a unique and wonderful blend of your culture, gender, and identity. You’re blending by expressing yourself in how you live, love, and experience the world.
When in a long-term relationship, though, you’ll find that you suddenly have a second set of variables to consider. This may sound alarming, but it’s perfectly doable. Simply observe your partner and the ways in which they express themselves. Do they wear different clothes to you, or speak in different ways? Do they alter their gender presentation on a day-to-day basis? One of the many joys of LGBTQ dating is that you’ll run into people who live as an authentic and nontraditional version of themselves: a treat to witness.
Over time, consider adding some of the things that your partner does to your repertoire of self-expression. Ask if you could borrow some things out of their wardrobe, or learn a recipe that they love to cook.
Support, Community, and Relationship-Building Tools for your LGBTQ Dating Relationship
It’s absolutely not impossible to dig up specific support and community as an LGBTQ person. However, it can involve digging a bit nearer to bedrock than usual. Social media is a useful tool to ameliorate loneliness, and find everything from pride parades to LGBTQ dating resources.
Start out by checking out local groups on Facebook. These groups are way more numerous than you might expect, so it’s worth seeing if there’s an LGBTQ organization for your city. Once you connect with them, you’ll be able to see any upcoming events or gatherings that might be taking place.
To search more directly in real life, look for LGBTQ community centers or organizations. These places do exist, and they’re often advertised in old-school places like community message boards or advertising boards at a local supermarket. Keep your eyes peeled for boards with fliers pinned to them — you can often find hidden gems in there!
