How to Stop Being a Nice Guy (Without Turning Into a Jerk)

Learning about how to stop being a nice guy might seem like a strange lesson to pick up. After all, don’t people want to be nice, and have others be nice to them? Well, yes, but there’s a line: in the dating world, a “nice guy” is someone who falls over himself to do anything for his crush without telling her how he feels. This can lead to him leading himself on and believing that he’ll eventually be in a relationship with this crush, when she has no idea that’s something he wants.

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This frustration can really get under your skin, upsetting and annoying you until you’re too caught up in your own head to do anything about it. We don’t want any of our readers to be frustrated or upset: we want you to be happy and fulfilled in your relationships. So, read on to find our advice about leaving your nice guy self in the past.

How to Stop Being a Nice Guy: Communicate Deliberately, Accept the Consequences

The core of the nice guy is a strange contradiction: by doing something that they don’t actually want to do, their crush will see how hard they’re working to earn their affection. However, it doesn’t work this way: someone will tend to like or dislike you regardless of what you may do for them, emotions are odd like that.

So, since the nice guy method of doing lots of stuff doesn’t work, we’re left with a far more sensible way of doing things: deliberate communication. If there’s someone you find attractive and like to go on a date with, just tell them that. It’s important to always be kind, gentle, and know when to take no for an answer, but the first step is always the same: say what you think.

As Niels Bohrmann outlines on his site: Be Congruent. This is a good thing to bear in mind, even though “congruent” isn’t a very commonly used word. Essentially, the mindset means that you should make your words and actions align with your thoughts. For instance, if you want to go and get a hot dog, it’s within your power to stand up and walk over to the hot dog cart.

Use clear and deliberate language to share your authentic thoughts and feelings. Only by doing this can you make some progress toward meeting your desires. 

The important thing about this congruency is that you must always accept the outcome and presume that other people are also speaking authentically. To pick up how to stop being a nice guy, it’s time to walk away from lying to yourself and your crushes about what you want to do. If you don’t want to help someone out, then tell them no: they’ll either accept it and move on, or they’ll have a rude, unpleasant reaction. If they accept it, then you’ve asserted your desires: good for you! If they’re rude about it, then they’re not worth spending time with.

Introspection Is Your Friend

Another core tenet of how to stop being a nice guy is to take a little time to introspect. Ask yourself why you’ve been doing the nice guy thing for so long, and where you first picked up the habit of doing it. This can be something of an uncomfortable conversation, but it can also be beneficial.

A common cause of being a nice guy is low self-esteem. This is pretty common nowadays, and, as MensGroup.com writer Sean Galla points out, it must be overcome to escape the nice guy trap.

Think about what it is in the world that you really want. No judgment here, your innermost needs and wants could be anything at all. You deserve them, but to achieve them, you must first figure out what they are.

Once you’ve done that, you can take charge of your own life and do things to achieve your goals. Put yourself first, and learn that it’s okay to say no.

In a relationship sense, consider your desires, both long-term and short-term. Do you want to have casual hookups, or would you rather have a long-term relationship? When discovering how to stop being a nice guy, it’s important to look at what (and who) you want and question how you might get there. After that, it’s time for the kind, confident communication we mentioned above.

Now that we’ve given you a rundown of how to stop being a nice guy while avoiding becoming rude or cruel, we hope that you see some happiness and fulfilment in your love life.