by John Santana
Has it been a long time since you’ve gotten some love and you’re feeling kind of randy? Or has someone caught your eye and you’re really attracted to them and want to get a bit “closer”? Whatever you’re situation, you’re in a predicament. You know that you want to hook up, but you don’t know how to ask. We totally hear you. Asking someone to hook up can be super intimidating.
While hookup culture has become kind of the norm in the United States and many other western nations, many cultures do still regard casual sex outside of wedlock as taboo. This further complicates matters, as the US and other western nations have become so diverse (especially in recent years), so it’s hard to know whether or not someone you might be interested in hooking up with will feel about a casual, non-committed sexual encounter.
The bottom line: asking someone to hook up can certainly be hard. That doesn’t mean that you should avoid the temptation to ask, however. As they say, you should try to do one thing each day that frightens you, and trying new things is the best way to improve, but having some tips can definitely help to give you the encouragement and guidance you need.
So, without further ado, if you have your eye on a guy or a gal and you want to move in and ask them if they’d like to partake in a casual hookup, keep on reading for some useful information.
Follow These Hookup Steps
Choose The Correct Person
First thing first: you’re going to want to make sure that you choose the right person. By the “right” person, we mean someone that you are not only drawn to, but someone you think will be receptive to your request for casual sex.
For example, asking a guy or gal who appears to be or who you are certain is super-prude, no matter how attracted to him or her you may be, just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. The same is true of someone who doesn’t pay you any attention at all; he or she doesn’t respond to your comments, for example.
The reason why it’s so important to choose the right person is that, well, doing so will increase your chances of receiving a welcoming reception. There’s nothing more awkward than asking someone if they want to hook up and being rejected; trust us.
Once you’ve found the right person, it’s time to start flirting. Obviously, you want to let him or her know that you’re interested, and the best way to do that is by flirting. Be laid back and keep things casual. You don’t want to come on too intense, as doing so will only scare them off. Take it slow. Make direct eye contact. Give a little wink here and there. Direct questions and comments toward him or her.
If you feel uneasy about flirting in person, if it’s possible, try flirting via message. If it’s a friend, a friend-of-a-friend, a co-worker, or an acquaintance, for example, see if you can get his or her phone number and send fun and flirty texts. Ask open-ended questions that encourage a response. Pay them a compliment (“Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I saw how you did (fill in the blank), and I was really impressed. You’re awesome!”, for example).
Whether you’re making moves in public or you’re flirting via text, see how they respond. You can gauge their interest in you by their response. For instance, if they don’t respond at all or if they seem annoyed, well, it’s pretty safe to assume that they aren’t interested and that you should move on.
If, however, they react in a positive manner – they answer your open-ended questions, spark conversations with you, wink back at you, etc. – that’s a good sign, as it just might indicate that they will be receptive to your request to hook up down the line.
While it’s tempting to put on a performance in an attempt to impress, remember that you’re far better off remaining your authentic self. You’re far more likely to have success when you are honest and when you’re just, well, you. Most people tend to be able to read through bulls*it, and if you’re putting on airs and acting like someone you aren’t, well, it’s likely that the person that you’re interested in hooking up with is going to be able to see through your façade. While it may only be casual sex that you’re seeking, you still don’t want to pretend that you’re someone you’re not.
On that note, you don’t want to mislead the person. Keep in mind that you’re looking for a hookup, not a relationship. You definitely don’t want to be “that” person. You know, the person who strings people along, convincing them that you’re interested in a commitment, but in reality, you’re only acting that way to get them in bed.
And when you finally do, you’re going to end up ditching them. Far too many people have gotten seriously hurt this way, and it can take a long time to recover from the mental and emotional trauma that can be associated with being led on.
Keep Things Light
When you’re looking to hook up, you’re definitely going to want to keep things light. If you get too heavy – you start talking about hardships you’re enduring or that you have experienced in the past, for example – you probably aren’t going to have a whole lot of luck. Why? While you might be thinking that telling some sob story will earn you sympathy points, which will increase your chances of getting lucky, in reality, the converse usually happens.
People want to have fun when they’re hooking up; they don’t want to feel sad and depressed. So remember, keep things light-hearted and have some fun. Doing so will help to increase your chances of scoring and will increase the chances of an enjoyable experience.
Make Them Want More
Whether it’s through your physical responses or your reactions via text, making him or he want more is definitely an effective strategy to employ. It’s a great way to build up the heat and stir-up sexual tension. For example, if you’re exchanging text messages, send a really flirtatious message and only send a short response, like “Sorry, can’t talk now.
We’ll have to chat more later” when he or she responds. Or, if you’re flirting in person, wait until you’re engaged in a deep conversation, complete with knee, shoulder, and elbow touches. Look at your watch or pull out your phone and suddenly say, “I’m so sorry, but I have to go. Can we meet up later?”
Leaving him or her wanting more tactics has a very high success rate. When you deploy it, the party that you’re interested in will be more inclined to feel a strong sense of desire to connect with you again in the very near future, and when you do connect, it will be awesome!
Try The Indirect Approach
There are many different ways that you can approach wanting to ask someone to hook up the situation in an indirect manner. For instance, you can drop hints that you want the guy or gal that you’re interested in to ask you by saying something like, “Do you have anything going on this weekend?” or “My plans fell through at the last minute, and now I’m trying to figure out what to do…” These types of comments indicate that you want him or her to ask you to hang out and give you the ideal opportunity to do so.
If you’d like to attempt to assess her or his interest in a casual hookup, you can ask questions like, “What’s your stance on hookups?” or “What are you looking for in a relationship.” You can use the responses to gauge his or her interest in casual hookups and can determine whether or not you should proceed with, well, trying to land one. If their responses aren’t palatable for casual sex, then you know that you should abort the mission and move on elsewhere so that you can avoid rejection.
Come Out And Say It
If you’re feeling ballsy, you can try being direct and just come right out and say what you’re thinking. “Hey, I’m really digging you, and while I’m not looking for a committed relationship, I sure would enjoy hooking up with you. What do you say we hook up?” If you’re feeling brave, you can definitely give that kind of direct approach a try.
It’s important to note, however, that if you do choose to go with this method, you had better prepare yourself for rejection – and be OK with being rejected. A lot of people cannot handle being rejected and can end up feeling totally embarrassed or down in the dumps if they aren’t well-received.
If you know that there’s a chance that you will be rejected and you’re OK with it, then being direct and coming out and just telling the dude or chick that you’re digging what you’re looking for is definitely an option to consider.
Get Physical… Slowly
Don’t just start grouping the person that you’re digging right off the bat. Take it slow. If you’re initiating things via text, once you’ve established a connection, ask if you can meet up in person (or drop hints that you want him or her to ask you to meet in person). When you do meet, try getting a little physical.
Touch a shoulder or a knee. Put your arm around him or her. Hold hands. Give a peck on the cheek. If you’re initiating things in person, once you’ve made it clear that you’re interested and he or she is responding, slowly start making physical connections.
Even small physical touches can do a lot. Once you’ve touched physically, if the dude or chick is into you, there’s a good chance that you’ll be pleasantly surprised to see how quickly things will go to the next level from there.
Keep Things “Vanilla”
Once you’ve reached the stage where you are sure that you’re going to score, keep things “vanilla.” If you’re the kinky type, avoid the temptation to get freaky. For example, initiating an unusual position or asking if they want to use sex toys right off the bat probably isn’t a good idea. If you’ve never hooked up before, you have no idea what they’re into, and trying to get too crazy right off the bat can end up leaving a sour taste in someone’s mouth (get your mind out of the gutter, would you!).
Since you’ve just started hooking up, you’re definitely going to want to stick to standard sex. Engage in foreplay, but don’t get too crazy (we’re sure you’re aware that there are tons of ways that you can get really freaky with foreplay). Start with kissing. Once things get hot and heavy, move to heavy petting.
From there, you can continue going around the “bases,” so to speak. After you’ve successfully scored, you’ll get a better idea of what he or she is into and can determine how far you can go the next time around – if there’s going to be a next time around. If you are freaky and you want to try out some new moves, once you’ve established an intimate relationship, you can start dropping hints about the ideas that you have in mind.
Don’t Be Selfish
Sex feels good. Obviously. When you’re having casual sex, it can be tempting to think only about yourself; however, we strongly advise you not to do this. Of course, you want to enjoy yourself, but you should also want him or her to experience enjoyment, too.
Plus, if you really have a good time, you might want to increase the chances of repeat encounters. If you’re selfish and don’t please him or her, well, your chances of repeat encounters are going to end up being slim to none.
If you’re feeling randy and you’re wondering how to ask someone if they want to enjoy a casual sexual encounter with you, give the above-mentioned tips a try. It’s important to note, however, that while these tips can certainly be helpful, make sure that you’re smart. Always be prepared, use protection, and be polite.
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