Homophobia in Families Isn’t Always Loud. Here’s What It Really Looks Like

When we talk about homophobia in families, we often discuss the loud, aggressive hate that is unfortunately common throughout the LGBTQ community. The fact of the matter, though, is that it’s quite often for homophobia to be quieter and more insidious than that. It can sound like “we love you, but…”

Couching homophobia in that context of familial love is sickening, for the apparent reason of emotional abuse, to the less obvious, like teaching a child that love is conditional. Of course, love for your child should never be conditional. Instead, it should be deliberate and intentional, and that intentional love is what we’re all about. Today, we’re going to discuss homophobia in families, as well as the impact it can have on the victim, and how they may overcome it in time.

What Is Homophobic Emotional Control?

Homophobic emotional control is a term that sounds like it’s been lifted straight out of a psychology textbook. Speaking plainly, perhaps a slightly better term may be internalised homophobia. While this is most commonly used to mean queer people having feelings of self-hatred, in this context it refers to loved ones that claim to love the queer person, only to also have a deep-rooted hatred for their queerness.

Usually, this homophobia in families comes from some kind of prejudice that the hater holds in their mind. When the abuser holds this hatred in their mind about queer people, they often have the opinion for a long time before being forced to confront it. They may build up an idea of a gay person as someone violent or perverse and “thankfully” far away from them. When they’re then confronted with a gay child or relative, the “monster” that their prejudice has invented is suddenly in their home.

At that point, their hatred becomes targeted homophobia in families. They can see their child growing into a unique person, and they want to prevent that growth from happening. In some cases, this leads to violence. In others, it leads to homophobic emotional control.

What Homophobic Emotional Control Looks Like

Research from Galop, the anti-abuse LGBT+ charity, found a huge range of different types of homophobia in families. The study is packed with heartwrenching stories of violence and degradation, as well as children being shunned by being made homeless at a young age. These are examples of violent, intense homophobic hatred, whereas homophobic emotional control can look different.

For instance, one participant in the study mentioned that upon learning that they were gay, their mother sent them to their doctor to get “cured”. They went on to say that the mother attempted to force them into telling the doctor that they weren’t happy with being gay, and wanted to be treated.

This less violent form of homophobia in families is just as damaging, though in different ways. It’s important to remember that a child of any age wants to be loved and accepted by their parent. So, when a homophobic parent tries to change or control their child’s sexuality, the child is liable to go along with it. As a child, they’re unable to see that the parent doesn’t truly love them as a parent should. Instead, they’re tricked into changing themselves because they believe that they will be accepted one day.

When Love Is Used as a Weapon, How It Impacts You

David M. Huebner carried out research into how homophobia can lead to stress responses in one’s body, the study can be found here. The experiment itself was simple, participants (selected because they were lesbian, gay, or bisexual) were asked fairly general questions to create the illusion of a study on average intelligence levels. Before the study began, however, half of the participants were told that the interviewer had anti-LGBT opinions, and half were told the interviewer had pro-LGBT opinions.

The participants were college students, and since they believed the aim of the interaction was to test their intelligence, they all experienced some level of stress. Because of this, Huebner thought that he may have to do the experiment again with less stressful questions to get more accurate cortisol and blood pressure readings. However, the study consistently found a physiological difference in those told their interviewer was anti-LGBT: they exhibited far more symptoms of stress, and much more intensely.

These symptoms of stress are sure to manifest in children and young people growing up in homophobic homes. To put it simply: they’re being forced to attempt to change an unchangeable part of themselves. Being asked to carry out an impossible task to be worthy of your parents’ love can, obviously, be extremely damaging to a child. Over time, ongoing stress responses can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease and damage the immune system. It can even lead to an earlier death.

How to Address Homophobia in Families

At this point, it should be quite obvious that homophobia in families is a very bad thing. From the psychological to the physical, the impacts can be enormous. So, how can you address it in your home?

The first thing to consider is whether it will be safe for you to talk to your relatives about the homophobic things that they’re doing. If it won’t be safe for you, and you fear physical or emotional ramifications, then it’s likely not worth doing. Consider seeing if there’s a place you could stay to get away from the relative, even if only at a friend’s place, temporarily.

If you do think a conversation would be safe and impactful, first consider why they’re behaving in the way they are. Do they genuinely love you, and do they think they’re helping by “fixing” you? Or, on the other hand, could they be simply trying to control you and shape their public image to minimize something that they believe will cause them shame?

Once you know the root reason for their behaviour, you can address it. It could be that you explain the wrongness of their incorrect prejudicial beliefs to them, or it could be that you explain that there’s nothing wrong or embarrassing about you being in a same-sex relationship. Often, homophobia in families comes from a lack of knowledge, meaning that a person invents their own “knowledge”, often full of misconceptions and mistakes. By educating someone, you can help them dismantle their prejudice.

For many, homophobia at home is an unfortunate reality. However, it’s vital to remember that you can get out from underneath it, there’s a whole world out there, full of beautiful, unique people. Homophobia in families can be the start of your story, but it shouldn’t be the end.