Last Updated on June 28, 2022
The time has come and you have chosen to bring your affair to an end. You have had your fun, you have experienced all there is in an affair. But the guilt, the shame, the fear, and the risks have become too much and you have decided to conclude things with your affair partner.
Although many people will cast shame and anger at you for having an affair in the first place and may have little sympathy for you, ending an affair is harder than people assume. There are a lot of emotions tied up in a romantic affair.
It may be wrong, it might not have been the right choice, and it may have been a decision that was catastrophically ill-conceived. While that might all be true, the fact of the matter is that the end of an affair is often a very difficult and emotionally draining experience. It hurts, there is no doubt about it.
Surprisingly, one of the hardest things about ending an affair is getting over the person you were having the affair with. This fact may make little sense to people outside of the relationship but for the two people partaking in the extramarital romance, saying goodbye isn’t an easy feat.
Why? For a lot of reasons, of course. Two people are attracted to one another for multiple reasons. It isn’t just about the physical aspect of the affair. Instead, there is often a deep connection and camaraderie in an affair that is hard to describe.
Moving on from the deep emotional bond built isn’t easy, not at all. While two people having an affair might not be in love, there is a definitive and undeniable spark between them that cannot be easily extinguished. When an affair ends, that relationship needs to be cut off completely or else the two people cannot properly move on.
So how do you do it? How do you move on from your affair partner? How do you put your feelings, conflicted as they may be, aside and move forward? It takes a lot of work, a lot of dedication, and deep thought and commitment but it can be done. More importantly, it should be done.
What is Letting Go?
Before you can successfully let go and move on from an extramarital affair, you need to really come to terms with what it exactly means to let go. What is letting go? How does it look and what does it feel like? More than anything, you need to know if you are doing it right, or else you will not succeed in moving on from your affair.
Letting go is not a feeling, it is a behavior. This is something that people need to truly grasp before they can end the affair and push forward with their lives. Letting go isn’t always easy and there are times when you may feel that the bond between you and your affair partner is too strong and cannot be broken. But you can move on and let go – even if you have to force yourself.
When it is said that letting go is a behavior and not a feeling, it means that you must actively let go as an action. Do the things that someone does when they are not in a relationship with someone. Do not call them, do not write to them, do not visit the places you would go to together. You need to train your body and your mind to exist without your affair partner. This is the action of letting go.
It may seem that your brain wants to think of your ex-partner. You will feel them clinging to the back of your mind. That is normal, at first. Do not be alarmed if you are doing the physical things to let go but the mental side of it doesn’t catch up. It will, you just need to keep at it.
Every time you have a thought to call your ex-partner, do something else. Go for a jog, listen to your favorite album, watch a television show while your phone waits in the other room. Do something to distract your mind until the desire is gone.
You will have situations like this again and again and each time you will do whatever it takes to fight the urges and not fall back on old habits. This is how you train your body and brain to let go, this is how you move forward. This is how you move on.
Letting go will eventually become a feeling. Over time, your longing for your ex will become less and less. Soon you will be able to actually think about them without longing to pick up the phone. Soon you will be able to think of old times without wishing you could relive them again.
The day will come when you don’t have to lock them away in a mental box and hide your mind from them. But that day won’t come right away, it may take a very long time before you reach that point. That is okay, that is more than normal. But you need to spend a long period training yourself to let go – through actions. The thoughts will follow after.
Stuck in Emotional Confusion
The honest truth about an affair is that you may have confused yourself about what you are feeling for your partner. The affair may have started as purely a physical thing, an act that brought both you pleasure outside of your marriage or committed relationship.
However, along the way, the lines might have become crossed and you may have started to feel something that resembled intense emotion. Maybe you even though you were in love. This is something that happens a lot in affairs. Truthfully, people in affairs can fall in love.
That isn’t out of the realm of possibilities. But it is much, much more likely that you are thinking you are feeling something that you are not. This is completely understandable. Emotions run high in affairs, things get confusing and your feelings can get clouded by other aspects of the relationship.
You need to focus on certain facts if you are trying to move on from an affair partner but feel that you can’t. Think about what true love is. True love is more than just a feeling. It is far more than the dizzying intoxication you feel when you are with someone. True love is often not that sort of captivating and wild feeling, it is a choice you make every day.
A good rule of thumb about true love is this: you want the person you love to be happy, even if you aren’t a part of that happiness. True love is something very intimate, very precious, and near and dear to your heart. You will find the feelings you have for your affair partner were great, they were wonderful and exciting. But were they really in love? That is very unlikely.
Once you think long and hard about what you really felt for your affair partner, you will be able to successfully move on.
Recommit & Move On
Finally, the last thing you can do to get over an affair partner is to double down on your established, committed relationship. If you are the married party, recommit to your spouse or original partner. Invest more energy and time and effort into them and the relationship you had.
You need to burrow yourself back into your love with them and reignite the spark that brought you together in the first place. There are many, many reasons why you chose to be with your spouse. In fact, there are probably dozens of more reasons why you chose them over your affair partner.
While there may have been rough patches between you and your spouse, there were probably many more good times. Think about those, examine those, assess what made them so special. Why do you love your spouse? Why did you choose them?
Even if it wasn’t easy to do so, why did you end your affair? There are reasons for all of these things and your job is to find them and really accept them and commit to them. The best way to get over an affair is to start a new one – with your spouse.
The energy and passion you had with your affair partner can be transferred to the energy and passion you can have with your spouse. Reenergize your original relationship and work like hell to strengthen your relationship. Getting over an affair isn’t always easy. In fact, it can be quite challenging. But it isn’t impossible and the biggest mistake you can make is thinking it is.
It will take work and you will have to really sit down with yourself and figure some things out. But it is worth it. When you get to the other side and have really moved on from your affair, you will feel more like your true self and will be more in love with your spouse than ever before.