Dating an insecure man

7 Signs You’re Dating an Insecure Man (And What To Do About It)

by John Santana

A tint of jealousy is cute in the lover’s eyes. It shows love and protection. However, an overwhelming amount of obsession is a sign of insecurity. Unhealthy thoughts brew when an insecure man fails to get what he needs.

His uncontrolled self-loathing will lead to countless arguments. You must take proper measures to eradicate his inappropriate behaviors from insecurity to nurture the relationship.

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Signs That You Are Dating An Insecure Man

1. He Asks About Your Whereabouts All The Time

Due to his low self-esteem, he tends to overthink your daily activities. He wants to know your exact location all the time. Knowing your whereabouts gives him an idea of what will likely happen to you.

Whenever you are in crowded areas with the possibility of getting picked up, he comments on his concerns. For example, when you are out grabbing a drink with your girls in a pub, he wants to know when you will go home. He is worried about other guys filling in and charming you over.

2. He Comments On Things He Does Not Approve

An insecure man often displays signs similar to a controlling guy. Since he suffers from self-esteem issues, he wants to feel safe by having control over his partner. He will not hesitate to comment on things he finds inappropriate. These minor things often don’t even raise an eyebrow when you do them. But, they trigger him.

Occasionally, his concerns transform into nasty and hurtful comments. If you do not change to his standards, his frustration will turn into anger toward you. The slightest thought of you going against him is a big betrayal.

3. He Picks On Fights

Most of the time, he is the one to start a fight. Everything little thing can be an argument for him. From your skirt being too revealing to you declining a date night, it seems difficult for him to be understanding. He takes things personally. As soon as something doesn’t go his way, he thinks you are plotting against him.

Frequently, he exhibits dramatic behaviors in exaggerating the consequences of your actions. His accusations detach from facts and reality as he wants you to feel guilty about your action.

4. He Thinks About Leaving You

Deep down, your insecure man thinks he is not worthy of anyone’s love. Demonizing his partner is his way of convincing himself to leave. His fear of abandonment is evident in his intention to push people away. It makes him feel better to be the one to leave people.

In his mind, the angel and the evil will have a debate about leaving when you hit a bumpy road in a relationship. Backing up and running away is a natural response for someone with low confidence about overcoming hardships.

5. He Judges Your Past

Retrospective jealousy is another common trait of an insecure man. He will ask you questions like, “Why did you do this with your ex but not with me?”, “Why did you behave in a slutty way?”

Receiving these questions can send a shiver down your spine as you feel judged for your past before you even met him. He evaluates his worth to you by drawing a contrast to how you did with your exes. It is toxic to compare relationships as every couple should be unique in their own way. Unfortunately, your partner fails to see that.

6. He Talks Down To Himself

Aside from judging you, he is awfully critical of himself as well. He talks down to himself. He does not believe he is good enough for you. Therefore, he doubts his ability to love and provide for you.

His self-doubts are deep-rooted issues that are unlikely to be caused by the relationship alone. There are unsolved childhood issues that contribute to his present behaviors. Over time, an insecure man can cause you to doubt your self-worth as you are unable to make your man happy, no matter how hard you try.

7. He Thinks The Worst Of Things

Unlikely scenarios run wild in his head as he pictures the thousands of ways you will dump him and humiliate him. He knows he is being delusional with these crazy ideas but he cannot stop thinking about them.

Without professional treatment, his obsession will grow as these dark thoughts consume him. He magnifies every small detail and sees it as a hint that you are betraying him.

It is daunting to have a partner questioning your loyalty all the time if you don’t know how to deal with it. In all his heart, he wants your love but he thinks you are too good for him. He scouts for clues that you are actually betraying his trust.

What To Do If You Are Dating An Insecure Man?

A Couple Holding a Wooden Sticks with Food while Having Conversation

1. Address Any Possible Childhood Trauma

Being neglected as a child or any childhood trauma leads to insecurity. The residual effect can be long-lasting. The topic is like hot burning lava for your man. He will try to sway away whenever you try to address it. If he does choose to share with you, listen carefully as he will take it badly when you don’t remember the story.

Be patient with your boy. There are some scars to heal here. Attend support groups and introduce quality therapists to him. Keep in mind that some people are more willing to open up to strangers instead of their partners. So, if you ever find him sharing his stories with others and not you, don’t take it offensively.

It is his choice to share his life stories with whoever he wants. You should not demand the full story when he is not ready. Prying into his scars will force him to retreat back to his dark hole.

2. Spend Quality Time With Him

He demands more together time than others. Spending time together is the only way for him to validate your love. Calling him up every night is not tiring for him at all. He can feel your love through your texts. Don’t forget to put some sweet emojis in the messages too.

During the weekend, you should make more plans with him. It is fine for you to bring additional friends to the hangout but you must include him. He can easily feel left out whenever his emotional needs are not taken care of.

Mark it down on the calendar and schedule a few dates in advance. Spontaneous dates can give him a heart attack as he cannot live without knowing when the next date is.

3. Appreciate His Effort To Be a Better Person

Overcoming one’s insecurities can be a lifelong battle. It will not be over in a split second. Your partner will struggle with his irrational thoughts every now and then. Being a considerate lover, you should express your gratitude and appreciation for his effort.

Look him in the eyes and tell him how his achievements have been remarkable. It keeps up his positive vibe and motivates him to work on himself. When the situation gets worse, don’t exert your aggression on him. Sit down by his side and discuss possible solutions to address the issue.

4. Verbally Tell Him/Show Him How Important He Is To You

Usually, he lets his inner demon get the better side of him. Thoughts of you belittling him runs wild even though it is an unsound accusation. It is easy to be impulsive when you get these absurd comments. Take a deep breath and tell him his importance in your life.

To calm his nervous heart, sharing the sweetest moments you cherish is enchanting. Through these memories, you can prove your affection for him. Thus, he can have more faith in this relationship.

Physical affection such as hugging each other to sleep is an effortless move to slow down his nervous heart. It relays the message that you are attracted to him. Once he gets the affirmation that he is desirable, he will be cheerier than ever.

5. Encourage Him To Work On The Best Vision Of Himself

Ultimately, your partner needs more self-esteem for his own good. With or without you, his insecurities will get in his way of succeeding in life. You should never blame yourself. A relationship is hardly the cause of the issue.

In every insecure man, there is a version of himself that he wishes to achieve. He may refuse to share that vision with you as he fears mockery. Encourage him to shed some light on what he desires in life. After getting the details, you can formulate achievable steps for your bright man. Each step should be attainable within a reasonable timeframe to build up his confidence.

You would want him to believe in the power of himself. Take a step back when suitable so he can work on it by himself. Seeing how powerful he is alone is also a compelling way to convince him about his ability.

6. Push Him To Socialize

The more insecure a person is, the more disinclined he is about networking. He refuses to socialize as he feels he is less than his friends and they may make fun of his failure. This is the moment you need to be a bit strict with your beloved baby.

Socializing is a useful method to keep him stable. Through actively being outside, he can get a better sense of how to overcome his irrational fears. His other option is to be cooped up in bed all day without any human interaction, which is dreadfully detrimental to his overall state.

7. Get Married

At any stage of your relationship, getting married should come from the heart and not be the solution to your problems. But, if you see him as your future baby’s daddy anyway, getting married might just be the spell to smoothen up all the rough patches.

What your partner needs is a promise that your love will never die. He desperately wants to know the flame will forever be here. At the same time, he is scared of you leaving him for someone better. Locking in the commitment by putting a ring on it is the best way to show your guarantee.

Marriage is sacred and indestructible. You should not use it as a weapon to control your soft-hearted boy but it will be a brilliant tool to manage his insecurities.

Are Insecure Guys Controlling?

Couple Arguing in the Car

Granted, a lot of the behavioral traits exhibited by an insecure guy resemble that of a controlling man. Therefore, most people get these two types confused. The most prominent difference is the intention behind their actions.

With an insecure guy, his intentions are never to control. He is simply reflecting his insecurities on you. His great fear of abandonment conflicts with his deep love for you. Having a gorgeous girlfriend like you makes him feel inferior to your elegance. Hence, he is typically stuck between pushing you away with foolish reasons and loving you wholeheartedly.

But, that’s not the case with a controlling guy. A controlling lover deems himself superior to his counterpart. He sees his significant other as his belonging. His actions show no respect as he feels the right to discipline his partner whenever she “misbehaves.” This is a mental issue that makes a relationship toxic.

Nonetheless, the motive behind this does not shield the fact that insecure guys can display an obsession with their partner. Being in control makes them feel empowered. You should not underestimate the side effects of dating an insecure guy as it can diminish your mental health status.

What Causes A Man To Be So Insecure?

unhappy man

There are too many reasons that can attribute to the cause. Without a psychiatric examination, it is difficult to pinpoint the exact cause of your partner’s behaviors. That being said, there are several common reasons for a man to be so insecure.

Childhood Wounds

The most common cause is the abusive treatment he got as a child. Children that grew up without the love of their parents tend to develop hypersensitivity to relationships. They are nervous about losing another person they love. Hence, they are extra cautious about every detail. Overanalyzing is commonplace as they try to break down each gesture.

Insecurities caused by childhood abuse require professional counseling. Some patients may have to receive medical treatment if the doctor believes the condition is serious.

Anxiety And Mental Health issues

Another typical cause of insecurity is the mental health issue that runs in the family. Genetically, people with family members suffering from similar anxiety issues will develop the symptoms. When it is a condition that troubles the entire clan, only medical help can truly eradicate or suppress it.

Finally, you should never forget that even the mentally strongest person can have insecurities. Throughout a person’s life, all his experiences add value to his confidence level. But not all the values are positive. After a few failed relationships, he may question his ability to be the devoting boyfriend, which leads to unhealthy traits.

Can A Relationship Work If A Man Is So Insecure?

Unhappy Couple Arguing

Love is a magic potion that can overcome every hardship in life. Staying in love with an insecure man may not be easy, given his high maintenance. But with continuous effort, the relationship can feel more secure than ever.

On a certain level, insecurity embodies love. He doesn’t want anyone to take you away from him. Hence, he gets a little jealous at times. If you fancy your man going a bit crazy over your hot male colleagues, your insecure guy lives up to his role as a protector.

He has your back any time of the day. You can trust him to be there whenever you need him. As someone searching for his identity, he thrives from the feeling of being recognized and needed.

A relationship with an insecure man can also work if you are also suffering from self-esteem issues. Unlike the conventional statements that you will be toxic, your presence actually lifts each other’s spirits.

No one else understands your thoughts than him. He is going through those gut-wrenching phases with you. Having him by your side when you learn to get rid of your inner demon is more freeing than having to worry about being judged.

Of course, your insecurities together can be a catalyst to trigger each other easily. Or, it could also mean you are more considerate about your partner’s tipping point. It is easy to say the wrong thing when you lack the ability to filter your words if you don’t share the same view.

Two insecure people understand deeper the physical and spiritual needs to sustain a relationship. As their needs align, they can co-habit without much fuss, unlike couples that take a long time to adapt.

A person’s insecurities should not be a dealbreaker because most insecure men can function fully as doting husbands/boyfriends. However, if your lover’s insecurities progress into a controlling obsession, you should consider your safety.

It is your relationship after all. You have every right to proceed as you want. Not wanting to try it out with an insecure man is not a sin. And wanting to leave him because of the obstacles is nothing evil as well.

What Should You Do When The Stress Of Dating An Insecure Man Is Unbearable?

Couple Arguing on the Street

You should never feel guilty for leaving a relationship. Staying in a tiresome commitment against your will is not only toxic but also degrading for your partner to be lied to. Sooner or later, you will be drained from faking your happiness.

Going to therapy is the most effective way to objectively examine the situation. You will get a better picture of how your love has positively and negatively influenced you. After evaluating your mental state, you will have a firm idea on what is the best approach.

If you choose to work on it with your future husband, attending couples therapy is a must. Otherwise, you may consider working on your happiness by yourself.

Leaving a relationship takes courage, especially in a relationship with an insecure man. Handling the situation delicately preserves his feelings, which is crucial for his dignity. If you decide to leave your partner, do it with poise to not leave a bad note.

Best Online Dating Sites To Find Your Prince Charming


Love is unsuspecting. It can hit you in the face from any direction. Falling in love with an insecure man is not a curse. He is more giving and loyal than your previous partners. While dating him can be a tad tricky, it does diminish the happiness you will feel when loved by someone delicate and complicated like him.

Meanwhile, the best places to meet your Prince Charming to have your options open are to visit Adult FriendFinder, Ashley Madison, and Bang Locals.

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