by John Santana
Thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey, people are getting increasingly more curious about a dom-sub relationship. You may think you have learned all about it from the franchise, but it is just the tip of the iceberg.
A dom-sub relationship is far more complicated than bondage or role play as it can extend beyond sex. It is a titillating subject that many couples are eager to try.
What is a Dom-Sub Relationship?
Represented by the ‘DS’ in the acronym BDSM, it stands for dominance and submission. The power hierarchy is often displayed by capital and small-case letter as D/s to insert dominance for the D. The stylized D/s is popularly used among couples and the BDSM community.
The Dominant Role
In essence, a dom commits acts to overpower a sub. As the dominant one, you will have to be tough to take control. In a D/s relationship, couples often find themselves getting enjoyment through rough sex, which is the most common manifestation of the relationship.
A dom in bed is possessive. They have the power to do whatever they want. The sub has to listen and obey the master. When the sub is being rebellious, the dom may use slight violence that is previously agreed upon to discipline the sub.
Throughout the D/s history, the male partner is usually the dom while the female is usually the sub. This is likely due to the deep-rooted masculine image guys carry — women have to act inadequate and listen to their counterparts.
The Submissive Role
As the submissive one, you do is the exact opposite of the dom. You follow the D’s commands or directions until they are satisfied. You don’t stop until they tell you to. It is confusing to a lot of newbies at first as to why someone would find being a sub pleasant. While it may sound degrading, it is actually very romantic and empowering for the sub.
Usually, a sub feels loved by fully surrendering their bodies and mind or giving up control in different aspects of their life. Being one with their partner and having someone to take the lead make them feel safe. Psychologists even pointed out that most people will have the desire to be dominated. It is a normal reaction when you are in love.
Types of Dom-Sub Relationships
There are many types of dom-sub relationships. Some of them are limited to sexual acts in bed while others fully infiltrate the entire relationship. To find out which type of D/s romance you want, here is a brief summary of what you can expect from them.
1. Master and Servant
Surprisingly, D/s does not equate to sex. Some couples take joy from acting like a master and a slave. The master can order the servant to do anything they agree upon. From ironing the clothes to something more extreme like getting slapped, the servant has to obey.
In this type of D/s relationship, couples usually draw the boundary about what is acceptable. They can get into the role anytime, at a specific time, or stay in the role forever in the relationship. Some couples also enjoy switching roles to experience what it is like to be with each other.
2. Training Relationships
The sub acts like an apprentice to the dom. As the boss, the dom sets the perimeter for the specific type of training, which usually revolves around sexual acts. The sub will learn the designated sexual skills to pleasure the dom. In the end, you have to show your dom what you have learned and get evaluated based on your performance.
Under most circumstances, this type of D/s relationship does not involve much violence. It is a milder form of all. For newbies, it can be an exciting place to start.
As the name suggests, you stay in the role without switching. This is the form of love where the character is the real you. There is no separation between reality and acting. The dom and the sub will engage in the D/s play as a permanent part of their life.
Unless it is negotiated beforehand, they will only stop their roles in emergencies. Couples that are into the D/s relationship find this to be the more intriguing. Going in and out of character is confusing and awkward for some. Staying in your role forever enhances coherence and harmony.
4. Female-Led Relationships
The sexiest word in the world, dominatrix, comes from here. Typically, a D/s relationship is associated with a dominant man and a submissive woman. In this instance, it is the other way round. A female-led D/s is becoming more and more popular as the porn industry has depicted well how sexy a dominatrix can be. A lot of men secretly fancy getting whipped by a girl.
For the girl, being in control feels refreshing after decades of being perceived as the weak one in a relationship. Having the chance to be the strong one is an incredible feeling.
How Should You Approach a D/s Relationship For The First Time?
1. Do Your Research
Before you commit to a D/s relationship, you should first decide which style turns you on the most. No matter which D/s style speaks to you, it will require a lot of physical and mental effort to maintain it.
Being in a D/s relationship is not like having a sex toy that you can take out anytime. It takes commitment to foster a healthy romantic life with your partner. If you are scared, it is fine to reach out to like-minded couples and get their opinions on it.
Online dating sites like Adult FriendFinder and Ashley Madison are wonderful places to connect with other D/s couples.
2. Find Yourself a Dom Who Respects You Before, During, and After An Act
Respect is all that matters in any type of relationship. A dom that refuses to discuss the procedures and intentions is a bad sign. It is likely that they already see you as the submissive one with no real power. You are expected to worship them all the time. In this case, you should move on and find someone else.
During the play, if you don’t like any parts of it, voice out. At the end of the day, it should be a mutually orgasmic experience for both sides. Remember, it is healthy to review with your dom partner about the performances even if everything is fine.
You want the other person to know what you like during it and what is not working. Voicing out your opinion is not rude at all. It improves the D/s relationship.
3. Keep The Lines Of Communication Open
As a sub, you must get to know your dom. Jumping into this dating style immediately without getting to know your partner is not smart because a lot of misunderstandings can happen. A D/s play can be somewhat dangerous. And without clear instructions, it could lead to unintended physical harm.
Get to know your dom to see what kind of vibe they are giving. It also gives you validation on whether they are the right dom for you. Treat it like meeting a new friend.
Give it a few more dates before you hit it head-on. In addition, you’d want to start with some mild acts with a short timeframe before graduating onto the big boy stuff. You will get more in tune with your partner in time.
4. Safe, Sane, and Consent
There are three commonly advertised keywords in a dom-sub relationship: Safe, sane, and consent. Safe sex is always on the table. Being in a D/s relationship does not take away anyone’s right to use condoms and birth control.
Keep an eye to make sure the bondages won’t cut off anyone’s circulations or nobody’s going to choke on a gag. It is a mutual responsibility to take safety measures, so no one dies having an orgasm. It is not the first time that an amazing dominating play resulted in a long wait at a hospital. The last thing you want is to turn a hot night into an overly risky challenge that causes lasting harm.
Be sane and sensible. Commit to your role within reasons. Know your limits and stop as soon as you don’t feel good. You don’t have to force yourself through a hardcore degradation act. If you are not ready, you are not ready. There is no shame about that.
Finally, consent is a must. Adding surprise elements is not appreciated because it can be daunting for the receiver. Stick to what you have agreed upon to nurture a solid D/s relationship.
5. Find Yourself a Sub Mentor
Find yourself a sub mentor on open-minded dating sites like Adult FriendFinder and Ashley Madison. Having someone to guide you through your first D/s experience is much more comforting.
Lots of people in the community are happy to share their thoughts and mentor newbies that are interested in being part of the thriving hub. It is the most efficient way to dive right in without taking a ton of detours.
That being said, a clear line should be drawn between you and the mentor. Like going to school, you don’t normally have sex with your teacher or get romantically involved. Your mentor is only here to guide you rather than to sleep with you.
6. Establish a Safe Word and Don’t Get Mad At Your Partner For Sticking To The Script
Shouting out “No” is not enough during a rough D/s act. Your partner may think you are just into character or the discomfort is arousing for you. Some people get into a D/s relationship because they want to feel pain.
Therefore, screaming a “No” and pushing your partner away may just cause them to fight harder. This is when sexual assault happens.
To avoid unintentional harm, establish a safe word with your partner first. The code should not be a commonly used word so you don’t accidentally say it. You need a word that you can easily remember like “Christmas” or “Montana.”
Get the message across that once the safe word is said by either side, everything must stop immediately. If anyone continues, that is a huge disrespect and warrants an end to the relationship.
Other than that, as long as your partner is sticking to the script, small mishaps like accidentally using too much strength should be reviewed afterward but not scolded. You don’t want your partner to feel bad for trying as well. It is important to overlook a few mistakes since D/s is bound to come with slight violence.
How To Invite Your Partner To Be In a Dom-Sub Relationship?
1. Slide In The Idea To Your Partner
Both sides should feel free to express their desire to live a healthy love life. Your partner should hear you out and see things from your perspective. If your partner is not so convinced, play some videos and invite them to chat with someone in a D/s relationship.
People that loathe a D/s relationship are mostly unaware of the elements in it. Once they get to know the sentiment better, they are more open to the idea of trying it.
2. Be The Submissive One In Daily Life
You can subconsciously build up their dominant role by playing the submissive one in your daily life. It can be subtle like serving your partner food and drinks, ironing their outfit, and carrying their workbag in the morning. It will gradually embed the D/s image in their mind. Once the roles are imprinted, they will start treating you like a dom.
3. Go Slow And Take Breaks
The first few times can send shivers down their spine. It is nerve-wracking to commit acts that are normally perceived as an insult. Even when they agree to do it, they can still be reluctant to do the first hit.
Allow space for them to gather their courage. Give them as much time as they need. Pressuring them to be is atrocious as they will forever repulse this dating style.
Best Online Dating Sites To Find Your Dom
- Adult FriendFinder
- Ashley Madison
- Bang Locals
A D/s relationship is fun if you approach it right. It is a rewarding experience for couples to create strong bonds and memories. Although it is not for everyone, when you find the right person to do it with, it is heavenly.
Get yourself a dom/dom mentor today on Adult FriendFinder, Ashley Madison, and Bang Locals.